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Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Local Woman Already Bored Shitless

Just a few weeks into the most highly-anticipated season of the year, area woman Crissy Anderson is already bored shitless.
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Local Trump Supporter Reflects on Detained Children: I, Too Have Been Sent to Detention

UCSB transfer student Chad DeLabia is reportedly “super confused” as to why this whole immigration thing is so darn controversial.
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Brother, can you spare a trash?

Hells lo, my names is Grrr M. Pache. I is racoon who lives in tree behind big human tree with top.
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Not Too Late for Something Weird to Still Happen

Here we are in Week 10, and it just occurred to me that no big meteorological or geographical catastrophe has taken place.
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Senior Woman Has One Week Left to Find Provider

Sidney Davis, a fourth-year economics major, became stressed this week at the realization that she is about to graduate without being in a stable heterosexual relationship that could end in marriage.
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Farewell from the Outgoing Nexustentialism Editor

The Nexustentialism editor from the 2017-2018 school year says goodbye to her beloved section.
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UCen Post Office Staff Think They’re Better Than You

A new hierarchy has presented itself at UCSB. Not related to Associated Students or the Office of Student Affairs, rather the University Center Post Office.
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10 Reasons Why San Nic Is so Sick I’d Suck its Dick

These were the 10 most meaningful experiences, gifts and opportunities that San Nic blessed students with during the 2017-2018 school year!
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127 minutes: This student’s arm was stuck under her Hookup’s sleeping body

Second-year Eden Whisman this week is being hailed a hero after surviving 127 grueling minutes pinned under the sleeping body of her weekend hookup.
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Anything Could Be a Sex Toy if You Try Hard Enough: UCSB Edition

It’s a well-known fact that UCSB is home to some of the kinkiest motherfuckers out there, so it’s about goddamn time we up the stakes with some good old sex toys inspired by this college!
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Why Am I the Only Person Who Cannot Find a Cocaine???

Well everyone, it’s happened again. I could not find a single cocaine to purchase this Saturday night.
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The #Plategate Scandal

It all started approximately three months ago when, after a joyous Sunday morning breakfast, an unidentified member of your house put a dirty plate in the, gasp, clean dish rack.
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Coffee Spill in Harold Frank Hall Befouls Five Backpacks

In a press briefing early this morning, CSO Chief, Copson Robberts, confirmed the rumors that a total of five backpacks were destroyed in an unfortunate coffee accident in Harold Frank Hall’s main l...
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Student Taking Grad Photos at Henley Gate Almost Gets Run Over

In a developing story, senior Jenny Lawrence almost got run over by four different cars while taking her grad photos at Henley Gate this past Monday.
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Another Trash Article by Daily Nexus Reporter

A failed high school rapper and even more unfortunate writer was sighted last week publishing articles in school newspaper The Daily Nexus.
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