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Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Students Graduate 1 Quarter Early, No One Cares

I mean, it’s just a quarter. It’s not good or bad. Just what they did.
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Free Water of Isla Vista, Ranked

Scenario. It’s summer:  you’re just getting out of your last class of the day.
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Confused First Year Thought He’d Have More Sex By Now

Flynn really thought this would be “his year”, as far as sexual escapades go.
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Little Known UCSB Campus Facts You Need Should Totally Know!

The buildings in fact have stories and not just “good personalities.”
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BREAKING NEWS: MEN AIN’T SHIT

Men, yes ALL men, ain’t shit.
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Ole the Mascot Replaced By Nachos, Freebirds Rejoices

“Worry not, folks. Our new mascot is a plate of Freebirds Nachos.”
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New Snapchat Update Now Leading Cause of Divorce

Having a 200-day or more streak absolutely guarantees a zero chance of divorce.
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EPIDEMIC: Local fools make personal posts on Free & For Sale instead of their profile

In an astonishing turn of events, local Isla Vista fool put a rant up on the Free & For Sale page instead of on her personal profile.
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When All Is Said and Dine: A Pro Chef’s Thoughts on College Food

Over the weekend, UCSB Housing, Dining and Auxiliary Enterprises were surprised with a visit from none other than renowned chef, Gordon Ramsay.
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The People vs. Freebirds: American Crime Story

This indelible infraction is one step too far.
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Tampon Plugging and Butt Chugging: A Midterms Guide to Yerba

It’s midterms, my dudes.
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UCSB Student Complains About First-World Problems, Insists You Don’t @ Her

These issues REALLY matter.
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VOTE: What should Ryan get tattooed on his butt?

Yes, you read that right.
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Del Playa at Risk of Falling into Ocean Spiritually and Physically

Ninety percent of Del Playa cliff erosion is caused by dubstep music and loud bass.
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Valentine’s Day Epiphany: Previously DTF Man Now DTForm a Genuine Relationship

I owe so much to Valentine: he’s looking out for his bros.
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