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Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Student with Poor Music Taste Suffers Ruptured Eardrums in Davidson

“I wish I had listened to my mom when I still could."
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The 10 Commandments to Get Through Finals Week

Surprise! Life isn’t perfect. I’m fucking stressed, for one.
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Student Puts Juul Pods Above Blue Books, Fails Finals

He doesn't regret his choice.
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UCSB Psychology Study Finds Best Way to Relieve Stress is to Sigh Loudly at Davidson Library

The passive aggression in the room was palpable.
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Student’s Glare Fails to Thwart Study Group from Invading Library Table

Residents of neighboring tables looked on with mixed sympathy and frustration.
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How to Celebrate Not Turning 21: A Guide to Surviving Your 2 Lamest Birthdays

If you’re between the ages of 19 and 20, the excitement of your special day has long faded.
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Students Graduate 1 Quarter Early, No One Cares

I mean, it’s just a quarter. It’s not good or bad. Just what they did.
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Free Water of Isla Vista, Ranked

Scenario. It’s summer:  you’re just getting out of your last class of the day.
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Confused First Year Thought He’d Have More Sex By Now

Flynn really thought this would be “his year”, as far as sexual escapades go.
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Little Known UCSB Campus Facts You Need Should Totally Know!

The buildings in fact have stories and not just “good personalities.”
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BREAKING NEWS: MEN AIN’T SHIT

Men, yes ALL men, ain’t shit.
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Ole the Mascot Replaced By Nachos, Freebirds Rejoices

“Worry not, folks. Our new mascot is a plate of Freebirds Nachos.”
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New Snapchat Update Now Leading Cause of Divorce

Having a 200-day or more streak absolutely guarantees a zero chance of divorce.
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EPIDEMIC: Local fools make personal posts on Free & For Sale instead of their profile

In an astonishing turn of events, local Isla Vista fool put a rant up on the Free & For Sale page instead of on her personal profile.
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When All Is Said and Dine: A Pro Chef’s Thoughts on College Food

Over the weekend, UCSB Housing, Dining and Auxiliary Enterprises were surprised with a visit from none other than renowned chef, Gordon Ramsay.
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