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Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

127 minutes: This student’s arm was stuck under her Hookup’s sleeping body

Second-year Eden Whisman this week is being hailed a hero after surviving 127 grueling minutes pinned under the sleeping body of her weekend hookup.
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Anything Could Be a Sex Toy if You Try Hard Enough: UCSB Edition

It’s a well-known fact that UCSB is home to some of the kinkiest motherfuckers out there, so it’s about goddamn time we up the stakes with some good old sex toys inspired by this college!
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Why Am I the Only Person Who Cannot Find a Cocaine???

Well everyone, it’s happened again. I could not find a single cocaine to purchase this Saturday night.
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The #Plategate Scandal

It all started approximately three months ago when, after a joyous Sunday morning breakfast, an unidentified member of your house put a dirty plate in the, gasp, clean dish rack.
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Coffee Spill in Harold Frank Hall Befouls Five Backpacks

In a press briefing early this morning, CSO Chief, Copson Robberts, confirmed the rumors that a total of five backpacks were destroyed in an unfortunate coffee accident in Harold Frank Hall’s main l...
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Student Taking Grad Photos at Henley Gate Almost Gets Run Over

In a developing story, senior Jenny Lawrence almost got run over by four different cars while taking her grad photos at Henley Gate this past Monday.
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Another Trash Article by Daily Nexus Reporter

A failed high school rapper and even more unfortunate writer was sighted last week publishing articles in school newspaper The Daily Nexus.
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Wow! This Student Cleared an Entire Row by Mouth-Breathing!

Exasperated by cramped lecture hall seating comparable only to that of the economy class of a budget airline, local freshman Tyler Franklin has decided to take a stand.
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Eurasian Collared Doves Annex Entire Campus, Demand Property Rights

Sure, humans write deeds to prove property ownership, but the fact of the matter is doves can’t read.
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The Real Vote on Divestment Was the Friends We Made Along the Way

“I know we didn't decide on anything or even discuss it, but I was stoked to get to sit next to my buddy all night,” stated one senator.
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We’ve Run out of Ideas, so It’s Time to Rank Bread

Fuck it, we ranked the bread.
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No Shit! New Portola Will Still Give You Food Poisoning

As it turns out, new Portola is still steadfast in its unwavering commitment to fucking up your digestive system.  
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Over Fortnite? Here’s a New Pastime for UCSB Students!

A new game of our daily activities and sights in Isla Vista that's designed to help you level up!
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Nexustential Crisis: How to Beer Die Bro

An exclusive look into the secret life of beer die bros from the genius journalists of Nexustentialism!
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The Truth Behind the UCen Bird

The truth behind the UCen bird is finally revealed with a shocking twist...
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