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Nexustentialism

Strictly alternative facts

UCSB Accepts Record Number of Out-of-State Students to Pay for New Science Building

Over 5,000 students were found to have been marked as in-state admissions over 3 years.
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New Chancellor Announced as Large Pile of Money Wearing Glasses

His glasses are prescription.
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Fuck It, I’m Rating the Birds

These winged jerks have had it too good for too long.
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Sad! Thousands of New Year’s Resolutions Left Abandoned on Streets of DP

Sadly, this is an annual occurrence.
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Students in ESS Pre-major Prepare to Literally Jump Through Hoops

Students have been working diligently to gear up for this week’s final challenge.
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Study Abroad Student Misses Memo, Shows Up 1 Week Early

The TAs then handed out the exams, and the professor wrote the time remaining on the board. Still, Sanders remained clueless.
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ALL THE SEX I’VE HAD THIS YEAR, RATED

Every year when my virginity restarts on Jan. 1, I record and rate all the sex I have had by month and man. Take a peek into my exciting life as a serial polygamist:
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10 Stages of Finals Week

Despair. Pizza cravings. Yerba Mate. More despair. Finals season brings on a whole wave of feelings. Here is what a typical finals week looks like.
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Eggbert: A Year in Review

As the year comes to a close, Eggbert takes time to reflect on some of the advice he’s given over the course of 2017 and add any additional wisdom he’s picked up along the way.
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All Final Exams Canceled Due to Power Outage

UCSB officials have announced that all finals are to be canceled due to ongoing power and air quality concerns caused by the Thomas fire.
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Story in Pictures: The Great I.V. Blackout

Kicking off dead week with some added stress, Isla Vista was plunged into darkness late Monday night, likely as a result of raging fires in Ventura County. Many students abandoned studying to storm DP...
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Lame Frat Tables Their Parties in Arbor

In an unsurprising turn of events, lame-ass frat Sigma Tau Delta has resorted to tabling in The Arbor yesterday just to get people to come to their dumb parties.
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6 Ways to Fuck Your Bae And Not Your GPA  

With finals fast approaching we're all running short on time to cram either knowledge or genitalia. Fear not! Below is our illustrated guide on how to make the most of your next two weeks. 
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Emma’s Mom Rates Best Places To Go in I.V.

With parent’s weekend having just passed, we know the reality has hit that you have no clue what to do when parents come visiting. Fear not: Nexustentialism is here to help. And, never one for an un...
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Third-Year Dan Nutmeg Identified as Student Consistently Coughing in Your Lecture

They said it couldn’t be done, but that one guy always coughing in your lectures has finally been identified as third-year biology major Dan Nutmeg.
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