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Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Freshman Gets Trapped in Middle of Storke Tower Bike Loop, Has Panic Attack, Is Rescued

In what was certainly a jarring experience, Isla Vista Foot Patrol, the National Guard, Navy SEALs and the local SWAT team were called in to rescue freshman student Francisco Torres after he became tr...
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Lost Freshman On SBMTD Bus Winds Up in San Bernardino

  Somewhere, Calif. –– In a spectacular yet relatable blunder this weekend, freshman Greg Harrison somehow ended up riding a SBMTD bus over 150 miles to the suburbs of Los Angeles while tryin...
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BREAKING: Rival Mascots Olé Gaucho and Musty the Mustang Caught in Affair

It’s the time of year when our beloved Blue-Green rivalry is in full swing. Soccer players are soccer playing, Gauchos are Loco-ing and everyone is perfecting their “Fuck Cal Poly” cheers.  But...
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Best and Worst Majors by Smell

  We have all had the experience of sitting next to someone in a lecture hall and being assaulted by the smell of your neighbor. While I firmly believe that anyone can stink or smell incredible, ...
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UCSB Mountain Lion: Where Is He Now?

  The notorious UCSB mountain lion has reportedly had a successful first week at school. After moving into his dorm in FT, his RA, B. Trayal, expressed gratitude for how smooth Mountain Lion made...
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Second-Year Student Realizing New Apartment a Shithole

  Isla Vista, Calif. — Having recently moved into his (and his eight roommates’) new apartment on the 65 block of Sabado Tarde, second-year student, Jacob Greene, finally got a good, close lo...
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A Brief History of Storke Tower

As many are aware, the idea behind Storke Tower came as a fever dream that then-chancellor Conrad H. Hornbreau had while fighting what would ultimately become a fatal bout of dysentery. Initially disi...
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Freshman and Former NASA Intern Can’t Wrap Head Around Bike Loops

  A river of tears sprung from the face of incoming freshman Enya Stein last week as she helplessly puzzled through her first encounter with the UC Santa Barbara bike paths.  Stein, despite grad...
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Freshman Lauded as “Hall Genius” After Repeatedly Revealing ACT Score and High School GPA to His Floormates

  Lately, word has gotten around about so-called FSSP “Hall Genius,” Albert C. Todd, romping the halls of  San Nicolas.  “Yeah, we were just playing truth or dare… and drinking,” whis...
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Breaking: The Boys’ Fat Clouds Cause of I.V. Summer Fog

ISLA VISTA, Calif. – After weeks of research conducted by UCSB’s Department of Environmental Studies, scientists have finally been able to pinpoint the cause of Isla Vista’s unusually foggy summ...
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Oops! Barefoot Granola Girl Gets Broken Glass in Toe While Walking in I.V.

  Medics were called early this week to the aid of third-year Gabby Trinkino, whose bloodied foot was hard to ignore by many who passed her by on Pardall.  Trinkino, an environmental studies maj...
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Friends Discover Housemate’s Inability To Clean Result of Dad’s Multimillion Dollar Company

Fourth years Elijah Borf and Daniel Rodriguez discovered this week that friend and housemate Ethan Roberts actually has a pretty fucking rich dad. This discovery ties a lot of loose ends together for ...
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Breaking News: Freshman Girl to Have Fairy Lights, Photo of Boyfriend

The photo in question, which Romero will point to when referencing her boyfriend and telling new roommates and friends that she already has one, will be a printed photo from Snapchat.
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Despite Contradicting Claims, Student Really Just Watched Netflix All Summer

“Oh, this summer’s going to be an absolute movieeeeeeee! The time of our lives!”
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Disney Announces Construction of Space Mountain Roller Coaster Atop Mauna Kea

Following protests over the construction of the Thirty Meter Telescope on the slopes of Mauna Kea in Hawaii, Disney® Resorts has announced construction plans for a new Space Mountain™-themed roller...
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