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Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Modern-Day Saint Refuses To Leave Any Sneeze in Lecture Hall Unblessed

This Monday, modern-day saint, Benedict Dope Paul II refused to let a single sneeze in his 300-person lecture hall go unblessed. Shocked onlookers witnessed this modern crusader bravely serve his fell...
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Jack Johnson, Jack Johnson

This past weekend was Jack Johnson’s birthday! So, here at the Nexus, we just wanted to wish Jack Johnson a happy birthday! Jack Johnson’s birthday this year will be his 44th. Not many people know...
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UCSB to Introduce College of Jack Johnson

This week, UCSB announced that it will start breaking ground for the College of Jack Johnson, a department within the university that is dedicated to Jack Johnson studies. Johnson, an alumnus at UCSB,...
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Extravaganza Sounded Awesome From the Line Three Miles Away!

A series of successful events from A.S. Program Board came to a grinding halt on Sunday when 2019’s Extravaganza was determined to be the biggest clusterfuck in recent memory. It appears that Progra...
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Goth Girl Sues Sorority for Making Doc Martens Popular Again

It seems Kappa Kappa Gumbo has gotten itself into another legal fiasco, this time for enraging the goth community. The culprit? Doc Martens.
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100% Of UCSB Long-Distance Relationships Would Rapidly Implode if Couple Ever Hung Out In in Person, Study Finds

A school-wide study conducted by UCSB’s Department of Communication revealed that 100% of long-distance relationships based out of UCSB would rapidly implode if the couple ever spent extensive time ...
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Coughing in Lecture Hall Recreates Beethoven’s Fifth

In a miraculous turn of events last week, midterms on UCSB campus became mysteriously musical. Surely every student who has had the misfortune of slogging through the college cold and flu season (whic...
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Senior Reminisces on Marks He Has Left on UCSB

ISLA VISTA — Graduating senior Bob Lee-Fluids seductively laid upon his hand-me-down couch in his Del Playa home contemplating the last four years of his college experience. He looked lovingly upon ...
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Student Too Embarrassed to Return to Bike Shop, Walks to Class Instead

Pop! Third-year UC Santa Barbara student Anthony Wheeler knew the sound all too well. The back inner tube of his bike had popped and soon the sound of grinding metal on concrete soon grew apparent as ...
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Extravaganza Lineup Announcement Unjustly Forces Students to Listen to New Music

Once again, Extravaganza season is upon us and with the release of the lineup for the highly anticipated concert on Sunday, there is a wide mix of reactions among students. With big names like Aminé ...
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Chancellor Yang to Headline Extravaganza

Well folks, you heard it here first. Our beloved Chancellor, Henry T. Yang, will be headlining this year’s Extravaganza festival, according to A.S. Program Board, who announced the lineup yesterday....
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Student Preemptively Rolling for Extravaganza

Today, nearly a whole business week before Extravaganza celebrations are due to begin, UCSB student Molly Poppins decided to preemptively get in the spirit of the festival the only way she knows how -...
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HERO ALERT: Man Goes Down on Woman

ISLA VISTA, CALIFORNIA — A bold and valiant display of heroism took place in the wee hours of Saturday morning when local man Bryce Daniels performed oral sex on his girlfriend Jessica Payton.
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BREAKING: College Professor Actually Just Big Idiot

This past Tuesday, Professor Joe Kerr of environmental studies accidentally misprinted the midterm for a class of over 800 students. As it turns out, Kerr printed a midterm from Winter Quarter three y...
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Panda Express Line Reaches All-Time High, Chaos Ensues

Earlier this week, during the daily lunch-rush feeding frenzy at the University Center’s Panda Express, the wait time for this inauthentic — yet no less delicious — cuisine reached an all-time h...
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