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Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Breaking: Literally Nobody Tried To Bribe Their Way Into UCSB

In a shocking scandal, it was revealed that the United States Department of Justice has charged 50 people in six states for paying bribes for entry into elite universities. These bribes helped otherwi...
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Local Student Says ‘No Thank You’ to Finals

Finals are almost here, and with them come yerba binges, restless nights and quiet sobs in the library. This year, though, local UCSB students seem to have put a stop to this quarterly tradition.
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Student Asleep in Egg Chair Since 1992 Finally Wakes Up

Dazed and confused but thoroughly reseted, that same girl you’ve seen perpetually slumped in one of Davidson Library’s egg chairs every single day since freshman year has finally woken up.
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Girl Who Reposts All Her Birthday Wishes To Instagram Story Edges out Ted Cruz and Fyre Festival Guy for Worst Person in the World

In an international poll with hundreds of millions of participants, Girl Who Reposts All Her Birthday Wishes To Instagram Story has narrowly been declared the worst person in the entire world. The rac...
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Engineering Department Rampant with Bootcut Jeans and Skechers, Prompts Campuswide Orgasms

UCSB’s high-ranking College of Engineering is allegedly rampant with bootcut jeans and Skechers — and everyone is nutting, according to a new observation by Anyone Who’s Ever Been on That Side o...
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Professor Tells Terminally-Ill Student ‘No Make-Ups, Go Fuck Yourself’

This Friday, one professor in the UCSB math department reportedly told a terminally-ill student, Sal Monella, to “get fucked” when said student requested to take a midterm late due to his mortal a...
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A.S. is Fine! Everything is Fine!

Associated Students is doing the best it has ever done! Never has A.S. done so many beneficial things for UCSB. A.S. passes only good plans that are very well thought through and everyone agrees on th...
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White Girl Continues To Touch Hair of Beautiful Girl Who Sits in Front of Her

Last week, it was reported that Tiffany-Joy Johanson-Mills suddenly and without consent plunged her fingers into the hair of a Beautiful Girl sitting in front of her during a mid-sized communication p...
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“Oh the Caucasity,” Exclaims the 5 Percent of Black Students at UCSB

In what is breaking news to only white students, an abysmal five percent of students at UC Santa Barbara are actually Black. While Black students have been painfully aware of this fact for a very long...
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Letters To My Lover (Recruiter)

Dearest Recruiter, How are you? How have you been? I haven’t heard from you in two months, but I’m doing fine. Being ghosted is normal for me, so just let me know when you want to talk. I’ll be ...
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The Curse of the Creepy Mural in Ortega Dining Commons

Ortega dining hall is home to many wonders: a piano for show-offs, vegetarian Mondays and a ghastly mural that might suck out your soul if you look at it for too long. Ortega’s 76-foot-long mural, d...
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5 Places to Park in I.V.

Isla Vista is notorious for being devoid of parking spaces; there’s no greater rage than when you think you’ve found a parking spot, but it turns out to be the entrance to someone’s driveway. Th...
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Housemate Gets Laid, Can’t Stop Exclaiming, “Man I Didn’t Sleep at All Last Night!”

Local resident Virgil Nomo had a busy night last night if you know what I mean, but you probably already heard because he won’t shut up about it.
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Breaking News: Girl Regrets Lip Tattoo

There’s a long list of regrettable decisions frequently made by college students: waiting until the night before to start writing a paper, drunkenly emailing your professor to apologize for causing ...
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Greek Sisterhoods Only Thing Preventing Shitty, 65-Block Oceanside Homes from Eroding Into Ocean

If you're among the 89 percent of UCSB’s undergraduate population that has not yet joined greek life, you may want to reconsider. As houses on 66-block through 68-block have been making the slow pro...
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