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Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Dear Father, The Search for a Husband is Fruitless

Dearest Father, It is with utter chagrin and sorrow that I must report back such tragic news. I write this letter to you during Winter Quarter of my third (3rd!) year of university and I have yet to f...
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2019: New Year, Same Me!

“New year, new me” proclamations were made around the world on the first of the month, but here in I.V., I have to admit, it’s been a rough start. So, to combat the possibility of failing my goa...
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Budding 21-Year-Old Entrepreneur to Drop Out and Sell Juul Pods to Underage Friends

A 3.87 GPA and multiple summer internship offers were not enough to stop third-year student Niko Teene from dropping out and pursuing financial success in selling Juul pods to his underage friends. Te...
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UCSB Associated Students Presents: Fight Night

After years of squabbling over Facebook feeds and Nexus comment boards, Associated Students is bringing its tension to the foreground with an evening of bare-knuckle pageantry.
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Do Not Go Gentle Into That Geed Night

So there have been a lot of rumors and speculation surrounding me and my sorority status. I am HERE to set the masses straight, completely on the record, and a hundred percentile truthful.
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How To Lose a Frat Guy in 10 Days

Frat guys are great … OK, maybe some of them are — jury’s out on the rest. Maybe you get lucky and actually find a decent guy with letters who treats you right, or maybe you don’t. Have you ev...
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UCSB Responds to CCS Break-in: We Would Never Give them Enough To Be Missing 10k

UC Santa Barbara’s College of Creative Studies was burglarized over winter break, according to an email sent out to all of the college’s students earlier this week. The college estimates the loss ...
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Local, Weak Men Fear Groups of Girls Walking Behind Them

Men’s rights activists everywhere are finally speaking out about the fear and anxiety induced by a group of girls appearing behind them while walking.
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“Tampons Shouldn’t Be Free,” Cry People Who Don’t Menstruate

Following a recent announcement that the university will begin offering free menstrual products in the Chi-5 residence halls, a group of offended men emerged from their mothers’ basements and flocke...
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Gaucho Holiday Gift Guide

Happy Holidays from us at the Nexus! We here at Nexustentialism know how difficult it can be to get some good gifts for your friends and family here at UCSB, so we thought we’d do you a solid and te...
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If Loving You is Wrong, Lock Me Up: An RA Love Story

First-year Greg Pitkis made breaking news this week after it was revealed that he and his RA, Emily Robinson, have been carrying on an illicit romance. A close source told the Nexus that Pitkis first ...
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UCSB Bans Bikes to Increase Bird Traffic

In a completely unsurprising turn of events, UCSB has decided to ban the use of bicycles on campus bike paths to allow room for Bird scooters, now the preferred method of transportation for UCSB stude...
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Actually, the Daily Nexus isn’t Toilet Paper — It’s Paper Towels Used for Alc Spills

Early last month, a person who doesn’t even go to UCSB made claims at an Associated Students Senate meeting that “the Daily Nexus is really good for toilet paper,” stating further to “please u...
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How To Watch Porn in College (Freshmen ONLY)

Hello freshmen! Welcome to my first “Sex with Stench” article, a monthly sex advice column I’ll be doing for Nexustentialism. I’ve chosen watching porn as my first topic because I think it ser...
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Hazed and Confused

Hazing sucks. Dad did it, America did it, but we don’t anymore … right? There has been a rampant increase in reports of hazing here at UCSB and frankly it makes me sick. Looks like this reporter i...
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