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Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Little Known UCSB Campus Facts You Need Should Totally Know!

The buildings in fact have stories and not just “good personalities.”
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BREAKING NEWS: MEN AIN’T SHIT

Men, yes ALL men, ain’t shit.
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Ole the Mascot Replaced By Nachos, Freebirds Rejoices

“Worry not, folks. Our new mascot is a plate of Freebirds Nachos.”
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New Snapchat Update Now Leading Cause of Divorce

Having a 200-day or more streak absolutely guarantees a zero chance of divorce.
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EPIDEMIC: Local fools make personal posts on Free & For Sale instead of their profile

In an astonishing turn of events, local Isla Vista fool put a rant up on the Free & For Sale page instead of on her personal profile.
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When All Is Said and Dine: A Pro Chef’s Thoughts on College Food

Over the weekend, UCSB Housing, Dining and Auxiliary Enterprises were surprised with a visit from none other than renowned chef, Gordon Ramsay.
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The People vs. Freebirds: American Crime Story

This indelible infraction is one step too far.
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Tampon Plugging and Butt Chugging: A Midterms Guide to Yerba

It’s midterms, my dudes.
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UCSB Student Complains About First-World Problems, Insists You Don’t @ Her

These issues REALLY matter.
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VOTE: What should Ryan get tattooed on his butt?

Yes, you read that right.
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Del Playa at Risk of Falling into Ocean Spiritually and Physically

Ninety percent of Del Playa cliff erosion is caused by dubstep music and loud bass.
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Valentine’s Day Epiphany: Previously DTF Man Now DTForm a Genuine Relationship

I owe so much to Valentine: he’s looking out for his bros.
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I Asked 30 Girls on Tinder What They Thought About Stamps

What do you think of stamps?
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Girl Reminisces About Best Valentine’s Day Hookup

He gets me and that’s one of the things I love about him.
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The Secret to Convincing Your FWB to Commit on Valentine’s Day

Your resident unofficial Daily Nexus Sex and Relationship columnist takes on Valentine's Day commitments.
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