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Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Dude, Where’s My Bird?

Earlier this morning, IVPD was informed of a robbery that occurred on the 67 block of Sabado Tarde Road. According to third-year pre-law student Garrett Jackson, he parked his Bird in his driveway lat...
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5 On-Campus Programs Coming To UCSB This Year

You’ve probably heard of the new bike renting program available to students, but are you aware of these great new opportunities?
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My Boy Adam and I Used an Old Time Machine We Found in My Boy Brad’s Garage to Discover What Dumb Shit Freshman Are Gonna Do This Fall

My boy Adam and I used the time machine my boy Brad has been keeping in his garage to find out about all the dumbfuck things the freshman are gonna be up to this fall!
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Cool New Abroad Program Just Four Month Photoshoot at Barcelona Bunkers

Facing an overwhelming demand, the UCSB Education Abroad Program (EAP) announced the implementation of a new four-month program devoted to allowing its participants to simply take photos at the Barcel...
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Study Abroad Student Only Hooks Up With Other Americans

Much to her surprise and disappointment, third-year study abroad student Kelly Parker has only had sexual encounters with fellow Americans while studying abroad for the semester in Italy.
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FT Couple Tries Long Distance Relationship

While the distance between North and South towers may feel like an eternity, the couple has found a way to make it work.
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Freshman Guides: Biking on Campus

Here's some survival hacks for you newbies straight from an experienced cyclist of the streets of Isla Vista and campus!
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“Shut up Loser,” Says Yang to Freshman Who Didn’t Say Anything

In response to the slough of new first-years migrating to campus, Chancellor Henry T. Yang has reportedly adopted a noticeably more “top bitch” persona, in what experts are calling an effort to ...
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BREAKING: Sophomores Are Cooler Than You

Breaking: incoming second-year Betty Razi is finally ready to demonstrate her newfound sense of maturity to the wittle baby freshmen.
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How to Party in Isla Vista

As a seasoned I.V. resident and partygoer, allow me to impart some of my wisdom upon you...
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5 Girls You Will Meet at UCSB Based on Bathroom Graffiti

Based on real UCSB bathroom graffiti, here are the 5 UCSB girls you will meet based on these quotes somebody probably wrote while they were pooping!
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Freshman Wonders if Beach is More Than Just Background for Hot Bikini Pics – Decides No.

It was recently reported that freshman and licensed blonde person Nikki Ehrlich had half a revelation over the weekend during an excursion to Sands with friend and beta brunette Claire Graisman.
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Local Catcaller To Take Leave of Absence After Recently Learning None of the Women He Harasses Actually Want His Dick

In what has so far been a trying week, local catcaller Steven Johnson released a statement on Monday declaring that he would be taking a personal leave after word broke that none of the women he haras...
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Friend Who Just Bought Eight Ball Still Can’t Pay You Back Those Six Bucks

Claiming that he just doesn’t have that kind of money right now, your friend who just bought a $200 eight ball of cocaine still can’t pay you back those six bucks right now.
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5 Things UCSB Was Already Number 5 In

Now that UCSB has moved up the ranks to stand as the fifth-best public university in the nation, here are five other impressive things that UCSB was already No. 5 in!
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