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Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Nice! This Student Didn’t Even Need to Get Laid to Do Walk of Shame

The Isla Vista Walk of Shame is upon you.
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Daddy Yang, You’re Not the Father

A paternity test revealed that Daddy Yang is in fact not her biological father.
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Local Bros Experience the Price of Viral Fame

You know how some people use the bible as guidance in everyday life? We use Barstool Sports.
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New TA Excited to Mansplain to Female Students

Spring quarter is here and nobody is more excited than freshly minted TA Seth Jameson.
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Rodney Raccoon To Run for A.S. President, A.S. Hopefuls Are Shook

It’s time raccoons get the representation they deserve.
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Timely Warning: Protect Our Raccoons

Warning: This article may contain material that some readers may find triggering, alarming or upsetting.
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Roommate Poops So Fast It’s Intimidating

Who the fuck does she think she is?
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Looking to Get Stressed Out? Here Are Some Natural Disasters UCSB Could Maybe Face

Murphy’s Law states, “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.”
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I Don’t Know What Chancellor Yang Does Exactly and at This Point I’m Too Afraid to Ask

Am I comparing Chancellor Yang to McDonald’s? Yes. I love McDonald’s.
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University to Replace C.A.P.S. with New Subway

This week the university announced plans to eliminate Counseling & Psychological Services (C.A.P.S.) and replace it with a new Subway. “We have made the executive decision that three Subways in ...
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Fratastrophe: The Diary of Bidless Chad

It happened, I didn’t get into a frat, again.
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Here’s Some Irony for Ya: Deltopia Fencing Leading Cause of Injury Over Weekend

Students were greeted with an extravagant display of wire fencing throughout Isla Vista.
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‘Broke’ Sorority Girl Complains About Dues, Has Tickets to Every Festival

I am so over this hypocritical world we live in.
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Amazing! UCSB Student Claims She’s Confident Enough To Wear Low-Rise Jeans!

Readers will remember low rise jeans as the “it-jean” of the early 2000s.
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CDC Deems Cats Ungrateful Social Parasites

You may have been infected by Toxoplasma gondii, a parasite that infects its host with an irrational attraction toward feline species.
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