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Nexustentialism

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Lonely Janitor Steals Keys to Hearts, Many Students Left Heartbroken

“I am like, completely heartbroken. He doesn’t even snap me back or respond to my Facebook event invites!” said second-year psych major Susan Cupid.
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Student Contacts Dead Ancestors for Dating Advice

“Performing seances when it isn’t Halloween isn’t great business,” Riley said, “So I figured I would help guide others with their ancestors’ advice on how to get in a relationship just in ...
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Trump Presidency Ends Reverse Racism in America

Just as Obama had ended regular racism before him, President Trump has successfully ended reverse racism. Wow!
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Missing Girl Found After Going into Hiding To Avoid Giving Ride

Missing UCSB student Jill Crosswell was found alive yesterday morning at 5:00 a.m.
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Isla Vista Cops Conflicted Over Encouraging Messages in Local Graffiti

Local police have been perplexed by 35 recent instances of “encouraging” graffiti in Isla Vista and at UCSB.
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Sorority Sally Confused About Muslin Ban

Sally considers the different points of views on the Muslin ban, but ultimately doesn’t understand the controversy.
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U Can Study Blonde: Elle Woods Goes Gaucho for Fashion Merchandising Ph.D.

After completing a campus visit and tour yesterday, Harvard Law graduate and political activist Elle Woods made her decision to enroll at UC Santa Barbara official by submitting her statement of inten...
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New Plans to Deal With DP Cliff-Slide Risk

Recent events surrounding the cliffslide and mandatory demolition at 6653 Del Playa have seen a shift in the design philosophy of oceanside property owners.
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Putin Hacks Starbucks, Students Rejoice Over Free Lattes

“It actually wasn’t that bad for me,” Starbucks barista Denise Gates said. “Many people tried to make up for it in tips so I counted myself lucky to be working that shift.”
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Local Girl Arrested in Relation to Spoon Homicide

“She had it coming! I warned her, but that spoon was still in the sink when I got home.”
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Raccoon Trash Lord Grows Stronger Every Time You Litter

Juniper’s origin is unknown, but what is known is that he controls the greater Isla Vista area through his networks of trash.
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Trump Appoints Stanford Tree Head of U.S. Forest Service

“This is a guy who knows trees and the problems that they face,” said President Trump.
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Chancellor Yang Washed Away by Floods

It would appear that he first got caught in the flood around Storke Tower and has since been seen floating down Del Playa, holding on to a rogue surfboard.
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Satan Declines Invitation to Trump Inauguration

“I was told that ‘literally Hitler’ would be sworn in. I know Hitler; he’s a good friend of mine. This guy is no Hitler; he doesn’t even have the mustache,”
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Local Gluten-Free Crossfit Trainer Takes Vow of Silence, Leaves Scientific Community Uprooted

In what will certainly go down as a cornerstone development of the 21st century, scientists at the University of Science in Siberia met Monday morning to discuss the unthinkable.
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