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Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

“Oh the Caucasity,” Exclaims the 5 Percent of Black Students at UCSB

In what is breaking news to only white students, an abysmal five percent of students at UC Santa Barbara are actually Black. While Black students have been painfully aware of this fact for a very long...
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Letters To My Lover (Recruiter)

Dearest Recruiter, How are you? How have you been? I haven’t heard from you in two months, but I’m doing fine. Being ghosted is normal for me, so just let me know when you want to talk. I’ll be ...
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The Curse of the Creepy Mural in Ortega Dining Commons

Ortega dining hall is home to many wonders: a piano for show-offs, vegetarian Mondays and a ghastly mural that might suck out your soul if you look at it for too long. Ortega’s 76-foot-long mural, d...
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5 Places to Park in I.V.

Isla Vista is notorious for being devoid of parking spaces; there’s no greater rage than when you think you’ve found a parking spot, but it turns out to be the entrance to someone’s driveway. Th...
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Housemate Gets Laid, Can’t Stop Exclaiming, “Man I Didn’t Sleep at All Last Night!”

Local resident Virgil Nomo had a busy night last night if you know what I mean, but you probably already heard because he won’t shut up about it.
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Breaking News: Girl Regrets Lip Tattoo

There’s a long list of regrettable decisions frequently made by college students: waiting until the night before to start writing a paper, drunkenly emailing your professor to apologize for causing ...
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Greek Sisterhoods Only Thing Preventing Shitty, 65-Block Oceanside Homes from Eroding Into Ocean

If you're among the 89 percent of UCSB’s undergraduate population that has not yet joined greek life, you may want to reconsider. As houses on 66-block through 68-block have been making the slow pro...
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The Four People You’ll Date in College

Relationships are tough. How tough? Tough to say. In I.V., they’re tougher than a Hydro Flask that just won’t break whenever it smacks into the ground mid-lecture. We can’t just make out in cars...
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Girl Reminisces About Best Valentine’s Day Hook-Up: Part 2

If there’s one hook-up everyone remembers as the most magical time of all, it’s when they lost their virginity. The year was 2016. I finally had a boyfriend, Leo was about to win his first Oscar, ...
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68 Block Myth-Busters

Secrecy clouds the enigmatic residents of the 68 block. Not much is known about the mystifying barefooted beings who dwell its streets, but nevertheless, rumors swirl about. We here at Nexustentialism...
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IV Foot Patrol Arrests Tree for Sitting on Curb

Protests have begun outside Isla Vista Foot Patrol building after many students have called for the release of Tree, who was arrested outside the building in the early morning of Feb. 2 after falling ...
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Freshman Picked UCSB for Chance to Wear Redbull Bro Tank All Year Round

As campus tour guides, the UCSB website and student Snapchats love to point out, UCSB is renowned for its (relatively) pristine beaches and sunny skies. Freshman Jeremy Yeggie seemed to be in full agr...
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Lunar Eclipse Causes Unexpected Menstrual Synchronization Throughout UCSB Sororities

At approximately 9:12 p.m. on Jan. 20, the Earth, for reasons unknown, decided to split its solar and lunar counterparts. Despite similar occurrences in the past, this particular lunar eclipse had an ...
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Sorority Sally: I Would Die For My Train Conductor Hat

TOOT! TOOT! It’s me again, bitches. I’m ~back again~ to defend my currently IN STYLE fisherman hat a.k.a. the train conductor.
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Fyre Festival: Isla Vista Dayger Edition

In light of the recent Fyre Festival documentaries produced by Hulu and Netflix, many concerned UCSB students have come forward to highlight similarities over the failed festival and a recent Isla Vis...
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