×
Menu

Nexustentialism

Strictly alternative facts

College Ends as Institution After Students Collectively Decide They’re ‘Not Down’

The Twitter-sphere, Facebook-sphere, Instagram-sphere and Snapchat-sphere were all set ablaze this past Sunday morning as the world caught wind of a ground-altering development somehow collectively se...
read more

Incoming Freshman Ecstatic About Sharing Space Despite Previous Only Child Experiences

Incoming freshman and only child Ella McLeod just arrived at her new glorified closet for three, and she could not be more pumped to get the siblings she never asked for.
read more

Rebecca Bell’s 7 Steps to a Perfect Rush!

I'm here to give you the 4-1-1, what everybody's been up to, the hot gossip. I will tell you everything you need to know about sorority recruitment so you can be as prepared as possible to find your h...
read more

Two of My Bitches were in the Club; Thankfully Didn’t Know About Each Other

Tragedy struck Santa Barbara in the late hours of Saturday night as I stumbled my way out of the back of Sharkeez’s bathroom... what happened next will leave you shocked!!!
read more

Bland Chicken: Easy Meal or Cultural Appropriation?!

When I think back to my childhood, to some of my fondest memories, I often think of food. I remember the smells of my mom’s kitchen, the first time I made my own breakfast and the under-seasoned and...
read more

Summer Visitors Create Hell for Introverted Students on Campus

Incoming visitors from Family Vacation Center and various touring high schools have led to introverted UCSB students feeling as though their sanity is deteriorating, as they remember how glad they are...
read more

Fresh Meat for Freshmen Program Proves a Huge Missed Steak

The Commission on Welcoming Freshmen (CWF) has cut funding for their proposed program “Fresh Meat for Freshmen”
read more

Local Ant Colony Prepares for Upcoming Picnic Season

As boiling July turns to simmering August, many families prepare last-minute outings before the new school year commences.
read more

Student Struggles Against Urge To Show-off Newfound Drinking Skills

Marie Bryant, a soon-to-be third year history student, returned to her hometown of Pasadena, California, to spend the summer break with her family.
read more

Groundbreaking Research Suggests Bad Jokes Make Great Dads

Researchers recently discovered revealed groundbreaking evidence that pun-related humor in males is directly correlated with being a good father.
read more

Student Purchases Dad Hat, Embraces Fatherhood

Share with the dads in your life.
read more

5 Ways to Convince Your FWB to Hook Up When They Should Study

We all know what F stands for.
read more

My Sext Got Left on Read: Here’s My Story

Long story short, my award-winning paragraph of graphic erotica got left on read.
read more

Professor Institutes ‘Trial by Combat’ Test Format

Sources confirmed yesterday that an upper division physics professor, who has asked to remain anonymous, has hired a handful of retired WWE wrestlers to challenge students in cage-match-style combat.
read more

A Slice of the Upper Crust: Protests Rise Against Dining Commons Bread

The dining commons are well known for their widespread range of bakery items, especially their flavors of homemade breads. However, a group of passionate students have taken it upon themselves to end ...
read more