UCSB Academic Ranking Plummets as Alumni Return to Campus
It’s almost alumni weekend here at UCSB, and with flocks of former Gauchos returning to campus, the university’s academic ranking is dropping by the second.
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Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
UCSB Wifi Goes Down On You, But Your UCSB Man Still Won’t
At approximately 1:17 pm, it was reported that the entire UCSB campus network went down, but your boyfriend still won’t. In fact, the UCSB wifi goes down on you all the time, but can you remember th...
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Campus-wide WiFi Outage Reduces Number of A.S. Election Voters From 1 to 0
UC SANTA BARBARA - At approximately 1:17 p.m. this Wednesday, the UCSB campus network went down. This resulted in the loss of internet access across the entire campus in addition to the loss of access...
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Young Woman Rolls Three Days in a Row at Coachella, Becomes Mental Health Advocate
As the second weekend of the famous music festival Coachella came to a close this Sunday, many Gauchos returned to Isla Vista with great memories, debt and hangovers. Not wanting to ever forget their ...
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Student Gazes Wistfully Into Eyes of Freshman-Year Gauchospace Profile Picture, Longs for Simpler, More Innocent Times
Recently, Gauchospace released yet another of its periodic site updates — this time including the addition of each user’s student ID photo to its homepage, which students must access in order to v...
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Short Kings Lament: Tall White Man Stealing All the Girls
In 2018, “Florida Man” became a natural phenomenon in pop culture. While not honing in on one specific individual, the term “Florida Man” has been used to encompass the community of strange in...
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Climate Change Motivates Real Estate Investor To Buy Trigo Houses
The entirety of the houses on Trigo Road have been purchased by a local investor, who claims that rising sea levels will turn Trigo into “the new DP.”
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Jesus Endorses Nexustentialism
Jesus has officially endorsed Nexustentialism! Watch this to learn more about what Christ and the angels think of the best satire section on Earth (and heaven).
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Gaucho Grad Guide: Great Career Paths for Theater Majors!
Hey, Gauchos! We know graduation is just around the corner, and with that energy on the horizon, we at Nexustentialism would love to provide some insight into post-grad options for both graduating sen...
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Young-Looking Second Year Attends Spring Insight in Quest for Free Shit
In an attempt to squeeze every dollar and cent out of her tuition, second-year Penney Pinscher has taken to the sidewalks of UCSB this last weekend looking to pull a fast one on those tabling for club...
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UCSB Enforces Shoe Wearing Policy During Spring Insight
In an email released yesterday, Chancellor Yang wrote the student body to enforce the use of footwear during Spring Insight.
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Senior From Newport Beginning To Feel Crippling Pressure of Deciding Which of Parents’ Friends To Get Job From
With only months until graduation, fourth-year global studies major Charlie Andrews has reportedly been experiencing a crippling panic of deciding which of his parent’s business mogul friends he sho...
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CALPIRG To Shut Doors After 100,000th Signature Saves Bee
After many years of Arbor tabling, hard work and general disruption, CALPIRG has announced that they will be shutting down for good after acquiring their 100,000th student signature, enough to finally...
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A Cry for Help: This Man Wears Basketball Jerseys as Shirts
‘Twas a brave, young fellow indeed who stepped out of his front door onto the streets of Isla Vista last weekend, wiping away tears and wearing a Golden State jersey in place of the usual (and prefe...
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UCSB Tour Guide Walks Backward into Hell
In a completely unsurprising turn of events, third-year Anita Bath, a member of the Gaucho Tour Association, has reportedly walked backward into Hell. Walking backward, a skill that many tour leaders ...
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