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Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

How to be Indie: As Told By a True Indie Gaucho

As an indie person at UCSB, I feel it’s so important to highlight the lifestyle and life choices of an Indie in the UCSB community, as we are so often marginalized by the many frat, srat and basic w...
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Ortega Chef Regains Sense of Taste After 20 Long Years

In an email from UCSB Housing, Dining & Auxiliary Enterprises, it was announced that the head chef and meal planner for Ortega Dining Commons has regained his sense of taste after 20 years of being be...
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Fear of Bad Evals Leads TA To Mutter Tentative F- Word

As we near the end of Spring Quarter, evaluations are imminent. TAs around campus are reporting a creeping feeling as if their future as graduate students could be ruined by a few asshole undergrads. ...
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Ollie Tabooger and The Never-Ender Senior Sender Bender

DEL PLAYA DRIVE — Late one fateful night on Week 9 of Spring Quarter, resident senior and party connoisseur Ollie Tabooger was hit with a fleeting epiphany. Reflecting on his last four years of part...
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I.V. Cop Consistently Outsmarted by Drunk Girl

Officer Gregory Dillweed has officially retired from I.V. Foot Patrol after 14 years of proud service because he could not overcome Isla Vista’s most dangerous natural predator: sassy drunk girls.
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Weekly Spotlight: Storke Tower Ducklings

It is with much delight that the Nexus presents the recipients of this week’s character spotlight: the Storke Plaza ducklings! These nine little angels have graced Storke Plaza pond with their lovel...
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Storke Speaks Out: Here’s What The Tower Has to Say

The Nexus recently conducted an interview with well-known phallic symbol and campus icon, Storke Tower, in hopes of learning more about the inner machinations of the enigmatic mind of the landmark. Fo...
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Modern-Day Saint Refuses To Leave Any Sneeze in Lecture Hall Unblessed

This Monday, modern-day saint, Benedict Dope Paul II refused to let a single sneeze in his 300-person lecture hall go unblessed. Shocked onlookers witnessed this modern crusader bravely serve his fell...
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Jack Johnson, Jack Johnson

This past weekend was Jack Johnson’s birthday! So, here at the Nexus, we just wanted to wish Jack Johnson a happy birthday! Jack Johnson’s birthday this year will be his 44th. Not many people know...
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UCSB to Introduce College of Jack Johnson

This week, UCSB announced that it will start breaking ground for the College of Jack Johnson, a department within the university that is dedicated to Jack Johnson studies. Johnson, an alumnus at UCSB,...
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Extravaganza Sounded Awesome From the Line Three Miles Away!

A series of successful events from A.S. Program Board came to a grinding halt on Sunday when 2019’s Extravaganza was determined to be the biggest clusterfuck in recent memory. It appears that Progra...
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Goth Girl Sues Sorority for Making Doc Martens Popular Again

It seems Kappa Kappa Gumbo has gotten itself into another legal fiasco, this time for enraging the goth community. The culprit? Doc Martens.
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100% Of UCSB Long-Distance Relationships Would Rapidly Implode if Couple Ever Hung Out In in Person, Study Finds

A school-wide study conducted by UCSB’s Department of Communication revealed that 100% of long-distance relationships based out of UCSB would rapidly implode if the couple ever spent extensive time ...
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Coughing in Lecture Hall Recreates Beethoven’s Fifth

In a miraculous turn of events last week, midterms on UCSB campus became mysteriously musical. Surely every student who has had the misfortune of slogging through the college cold and flu season (whic...
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Senior Reminisces on Marks He Has Left on UCSB

ISLA VISTA — Graduating senior Bob Lee-Fluids seductively laid upon his hand-me-down couch in his Del Playa home contemplating the last four years of his college experience. He looked lovingly upon ...
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