Dear Mother, Halloween Sucks
We have no hope this Halloween. The fences are high, higher than any of our friends are getting...
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Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
Soccer Players Not Hot Enough To Warrant Sitting Through Whole Game
15 minutes into the infamous UCSB versus Cal Poly SLO soccer game, second-year Veronica Dickstein realized that the soccer players weren’t even hot enough to warrant staying any longer than necessar...
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Timely Warning! Here Are The 10 Disappointing Guys Who Will Ask You Out This Quarter
I’m so over being single, so I’ve taken matters into my own hands and decided to make a Tinder. After my first date off the app, I decided to document the type of guy I went out with and it has re...
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Spooky! Third-year Bryce Smith’s Jersey Duvet Hasn’t Been Washed Since Quarter 1 Year 1!
Ghouls and witches beware! There is something much scarier creeping upon us this Halloween season.
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CALPIRG Trains New Recruits To Smell Weakness
Worried that their relentless tabling tactics and guilt-tripping lacked effectiveness, the Santa Barbara chapter of the California Public Interest Research Group (CALPIRG) has announced a new method o...
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Gaucho Goings-On: Marriage Announcements!
Cuffing season is upon us, and with it, the announcements of some sweet Gaucho couplings!
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Bar-Crossed Lovers: A Downtown Love Letter
A heartwarming open letter to a long lost nightclub love...
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How to Navigate Your Freshman Year Long Distance Relationship
Here are the five staples of navigating your freshman year long-distance relationship before it inevitably comes to a sad and pathetic end a month and a half into the school year!
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The 5 Stages of Grief for Aspiring Frat Bros Who Didn’t Get a Bid
With rush week recently over and pledge season swinging into full effect, many have found themselves without a brotherhood to call their own. Here’s a list of the five stages of grief you bidless ...
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“It’s My Year!” Exclaims Aggressively Single Friend Looking For Love, But Will Most Likely Remain Single
Despite her unattainably high expectations for the opposite sex, third-year Mackenzie Carlton is confident that it is her time to find love.
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Dear Professors: Midterms Mean They Happen in the Middle of the Term Not Week Fucking Three
This past Wednesday, fourth-year global studies major Roger Rodgers was seen sobbing on the fourth floor of the library. When approached by a concerned fellow student, Roger just kept crying and was p...
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Abroad Bros Realize International Women Hate Them Too
Truly devastating developments have come out of Paris, France today as local “bros” Chad Brohanski and Michael Sendet have realized that European girls hate them even more than American girls back...
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What Your Hickey Says About You
Hickeys are a timeless staple that lets the world around you know that you’re getting some. Here’s a guide that shows exactly what your hickey says about you!
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Hookup Probably Just Gonna Go, Has an Early Start Tomorrow Morning
After an hour of haphazard lovemaking, it was reported that Nick Nguyen was probably gonna head out after third-year Emily Callahan invited him over for a last-minute romp in the hay.
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Dude, Where’s My Bird?
Earlier this morning, IVPD was informed of a robbery that occurred on the 67 block of Sabado Tarde Road. According to third-year pre-law student Garrett Jackson, he parked his Bird in his driveway lat...
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