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Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

How To Survive Single Awareness Day

February 14. While some may know this as a day full of heart-eyed emojis, romance and mushy feelings, for a lot of us, it’s a reminder of your singleness.
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Valentine’s Day Floral Sales Likely to Lower Atmospheric Oxygen

Researchers believe that this weekend’s national sales of flowers will cause an ever-so-noticeable decline in our atmospheric oxygen, slowly killing our planet.
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Student Signs Lease Demanding Human Soul as Security Deposit

As apartment hunting season progresses, students across Isla Vista are on the lookout for the perfect home for the coming school year.
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I.V. Deemed Void of Nutritional Benefits by USDA

In a shocking feat last Tuesday, the United States Department of Agriculture declared the college town of Isla Vista, California a food desert.
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10 Questionable Yaks You Need to See

If midterms are driving you up the wall, take a moment to bask in the embarrassing and fairly relatable anonymous thoughts of other gauchos who are probably procrastinating as much as you are.
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4 Questionable and Kinda-Legal-But-Not-Really-So-Don’t-Do-It Ways To Get High

In case you fellow Isla Vistians have been getting bored with your daily smoke-sesh routines, here are some alternative ways to get that "Wow did I just eat a good brownie, or was that a GOOD brownie"...
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10 Ways to Fake Your Way Through Section

We all know the struggle: maybe you had a little too much fun this weekend, maybe Netflix was a little too tempting or maybe you’re simply drowning under the workload for all your other classes.
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Profile: Larry Cavaletto

The Arbor is home to people of all varieties. You get UCSB clubs trying to fundraise, outside groups promoting their causes, and we all remember how it was around the last election. However, while man...
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Excuses to Avoid Being Stopped Near the Arbor

Because "I'm late to class" doesn't quite cut it anymore.
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Man Sells Spleen to Buy Coachella Tickets

The line in front of the Isla Vista General Clinic wrapped around the block on Jan. 6, the day before Coachella ticket sales went live.
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Overheard in Isla Vista

Hello boys and girls, welcome back to the first week of 2015.
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10 New Year Resolutions for a Real Gaucho

New year, new you. At least that’s what we tell ourselves every first morning of January.
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Free Condoms and Red Vines to All

’Twas the Saturday before finals...
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A Letter to Santa

Dear Santa, It has been another long year in college and I know you can probably find my name somewhere near the top of the naughty list, but don’t let that fool you...
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The Painful Stages of Pulling an All-Nighter

We've all been there.
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