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Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

UCSB Campus Bathrooms: Ranked

Summer school means that I take a lot of shits on campus, because I don’t have time to go home between classes, work and my internship. Therefore, I’ve compiled a list of the best and the worst re...
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Wild West Summer Sessions: Lone Tumbleweed Drifts Through Streets of I.V.

  In a recent report released by whatever lonely researchers are still on campus during summer sessions, it has been revealed that the incidence of lone tumbleweeds drifting through the streets o...
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Summertime Campus Renovations: Girvetz Hall Gets Fresh Coat of Dust

  Though many students think of summer as providing perfect day-drinking weather and not much else, it is also prime time for renovations across campus. As if there weren’t enough construction ...
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Second-Year With Internship Reportedly “Loves Corporate Life”

  Second-year communication major Luke Hampton is spending his summer on the lowest possible rung of the corporate ladder and is having a really awesome time, in case you were wondering. Accordin...
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What Your Backpack Says About You

  A little known fact about college is that it’s actually just like high school, if you can’t get in with the cool kids, you may as well be out. As the social hierarchy of our fine university...
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Girl with Nipple Piercings Applies for DSP

With summer just starting up, UCSB students are searching for that perfect darty outfit staple. One student, Teah Tee, found one that she claims “totally finishes all of her outfits” — a piercin...
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Summer Reading List: Isla Vista Edition

We’ve all heard it said that there’s nothing like a summer in Isla Vista. However, some Gauchos would rather skurt after turning in their last blue book and return to their hometown, feeling oblig...
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Bear Grylls to Spend Night in Buchanan Bathroom for Next Survival Challenge

  Famous survivalist Bear Grylls announced on Twitter last night that for his next television special, he would be spending a week in the bathroom at Buchanan Hall.  “I’ve survived under som...
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Confession: My Roommates are Subletting and I’m Scared

My roommates like to surprise me by not telling me any information whatsoever. I don’t even blame them; it makes life more thrilling. So, you can imagine my surprise when all three of my roommates s...
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Graduating Alcoholic Takes Grad Photos in SOS Liquor

In an unsurprising yet disappointing series of photos, it would appear that local senior and alcoholic Becca Chugg took her graduation photos in SOS Liquor, citing the memories and lessons learned fro...
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Senior Breaks Up With Sophomore Girlfriend

As the end of the year approaches, graduating seniors in romantic relationships are faced with a difficult decision: marry their college sweetheart or break up with them. Seeing that breaking up is mu...
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“Who do you know here,” Says TA at Professor’s Office Hours, Near Finals Week

As finals week creeps near, students across campus are gracing their professors’ office hours, many for the first time all quarter. This has led to massive overcrowding in the office hours for a The...
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Hot Takes with Jakey Fades

What is a hot take? I like slangit.com’s definition: “A hot take is a term that refers to a controversial opinion. It is referred to as ‘hot’ because it goes against the majority of opinions a...
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Missed Connection: You Ran Into Me on the Bike Path and It Was Love at First Collision

Among Free and For Sale’s desperate pleas for a subleaser and the demand for cute, trendy clothes, there exists a subset of the posts that are specifically tailored to one individual.
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TA of Monday Morning Discussion Section Gets Sexual Pleasure From Hearing What You Did This Weekend

It takes an especially driven person to become a TA for a class of undergraduate students and even more so for those brave souls who decide to take on discussion sections on Monday mornings. We at Nex...
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