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Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Dear Professors: Midterms Mean They Happen in the Middle of the Term Not Week Fucking Three

This past Wednesday, fourth-year global studies major Roger Rodgers was seen sobbing on the fourth floor of the library. When approached by a concerned fellow student, Roger just kept crying and was p...
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Abroad Bros Realize International Women Hate Them Too

Truly devastating developments have come out of Paris, France today as local “bros” Chad Brohanski and Michael Sendet have realized that European girls hate them even more than American girls back...
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What Your Hickey Says About You

Hickeys are a timeless staple that lets the world around you know that you’re getting some. Here’s a guide that shows exactly what your hickey says about you!
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Hookup Probably Just Gonna Go, Has an Early Start Tomorrow Morning

After an hour of haphazard lovemaking, it was reported that Nick Nguyen was probably gonna head out after third-year Emily Callahan invited him over for a last-minute romp in the hay.
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Dude, Where’s My Bird?

Earlier this morning, IVPD was informed of a robbery that occurred on the 67 block of Sabado Tarde Road. According to third-year pre-law student Garrett Jackson, he parked his Bird in his driveway lat...
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5 On-Campus Programs Coming To UCSB This Year

You’ve probably heard of the new bike renting program available to students, but are you aware of these great new opportunities?
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My Boy Adam and I Used an Old Time Machine We Found in My Boy Brad’s Garage to Discover What Dumb Shit Freshman Are Gonna Do This Fall

My boy Adam and I used the time machine my boy Brad has been keeping in his garage to find out about all the dumbfuck things the freshman are gonna be up to this fall!
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Cool New Abroad Program Just Four Month Photoshoot at Barcelona Bunkers

Facing an overwhelming demand, the UCSB Education Abroad Program (EAP) announced the implementation of a new four-month program devoted to allowing its participants to simply take photos at the Barcel...
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Study Abroad Student Only Hooks Up With Other Americans

Much to her surprise and disappointment, third-year study abroad student Kelly Parker has only had sexual encounters with fellow Americans while studying abroad for the semester in Italy.
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FT Couple Tries Long Distance Relationship

While the distance between North and South towers may feel like an eternity, the couple has found a way to make it work.
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Freshman Guides: Biking on Campus

Here's some survival hacks for you newbies straight from an experienced cyclist of the streets of Isla Vista and campus!
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“Shut up Loser,” Says Yang to Freshman Who Didn’t Say Anything

In response to the slough of new first-years migrating to campus, Chancellor Henry T. Yang has reportedly adopted a noticeably more “top bitch” persona, in what experts are calling an effort to ...
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BREAKING: Sophomores Are Cooler Than You

Breaking: incoming second-year Betty Razi is finally ready to demonstrate her newfound sense of maturity to the wittle baby freshmen.
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How to Party in Isla Vista

As a seasoned I.V. resident and partygoer, allow me to impart some of my wisdom upon you...
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5 Girls You Will Meet at UCSB Based on Bathroom Graffiti

Based on real UCSB bathroom graffiti, here are the 5 UCSB girls you will meet based on these quotes somebody probably wrote while they were pooping!
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