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Nexustentialism

It’s satire, stupid

Students Redefine ‘Facing off’ Over Halloween Concert Ticket Sales

Since tickets are now linked with ACCESS cards and ASPB members are patrolling Free & For Sale like over-eager hawks, student’s have now taken to fully assuming the identity of fellow Gauchos to be ...
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Library Locals Lib Life to The Fullest

Case-Barnes deliberately expressed that his glorified tree graveyard has all the comforts of home that an over-caffeinated nerd could dream of.
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New Pardall Stoplight Causes Students to Lose God Complex

Three weeks into the school year and the controversial decision to install a traffic light on Pardall has seemed to pay off.
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Gauchos Have Chip on their Shoulder After Tie

After a whole year of anticipation, thousands of Gauchos drunkenly staggered to Harder Stadium on Saturday evening to unite over their contrived love for a sport they know nothing about.
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USMNT Failure To Have Far Reaching Implications on Me Specifically

The US Men's soccer team has failed to qualify for next summer's world cup and Jenny both doesn't want to talk about it, yet can't stop talking about it.
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DP Nightlife Guide for Freshmen

Welcome freshmen! First things first: We are not friends. But from the goodness of my heart, I found it within myself to give you this nightlife guide.
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College Ends as Institution After Students Collectively Decide They’re ‘Not Down’

The Twitter-sphere, Facebook-sphere, Instagram-sphere and Snapchat-sphere were all set ablaze this past Sunday morning as the world caught wind of a ground-altering development somehow collectively se...
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Incoming Freshman Ecstatic About Sharing Space Despite Previous Only Child Experiences

Incoming freshman and only child Ella McLeod just arrived at her new glorified closet for three, and she could not be more pumped to get the siblings she never asked for.
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Rebecca Bell’s 7 Steps to a Perfect Rush!

I'm here to give you the 4-1-1, what everybody's been up to, the hot gossip. I will tell you everything you need to know about sorority recruitment so you can be as prepared as possible to find your h...
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Two of My Bitches were in the Club; Thankfully Didn’t Know About Each Other

Tragedy struck Santa Barbara in the late hours of Saturday night as I stumbled my way out of the back of Sharkeez’s bathroom... what happened next will leave you shocked!!!
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Bland Chicken: Easy Meal or Cultural Appropriation?!

When I think back to my childhood, to some of my fondest memories, I often think of food. I remember the smells of my mom’s kitchen, the first time I made my own breakfast and the under-seasoned and...
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Summer Visitors Create Hell for Introverted Students on Campus

Incoming visitors from Family Vacation Center and various touring high schools have led to introverted UCSB students feeling as though their sanity is deteriorating, as they remember how glad they are...
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Fresh Meat for Freshmen Program Proves a Huge Missed Steak

The Commission on Welcoming Freshmen (CWF) has cut funding for their proposed program “Fresh Meat for Freshmen”
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Local Ant Colony Prepares for Upcoming Picnic Season

As boiling July turns to simmering August, many families prepare last-minute outings before the new school year commences.
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Student Struggles Against Urge To Show-off Newfound Drinking Skills

Marie Bryant, a soon-to-be third year history student, returned to her hometown of Pasadena, California, to spend the summer break with her family.
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