[responsive-menu]

Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

BREAKING: Philosophy Major Has Thought

This is it, the moment we’ve all been waiting for has arrived: A philosophy major thought of something. Considering most people only need to take Philosophy 1 to get enough introspection and bleak s...
read more

Top 10 Sexiest UC Santa Barbara-Related Costumes

  Sexy Mountain Lion   They say fear and arousal often go hand in hand, so take a page out of Mother Nature’s book and dress up as the newest apex predator to hit the streets of Isla Vista...
read more

Time Traveler Mistakes Halloween Locked-Down IV for Vintage Dystopian Novel

  The realities of modern I.V. Halloween conditions drew sharp criticism this week when a temporally displaced traveler drew a comparison between late October Isla Vista and the dystopian world i...
read more

How to Survive UCSB Flu Season

  It’s that time of year again — the skeletons are both spooky and scary, the usually bustling streets of Isla Vista have grown hauntingly quiet and during lecture, you’re surrounded on all...
read more

Yang Actually Corporate Shill to Chain-Link Fence Lobby

As Halloween approaches and annual chain-link fences have suddenly sprung up around I.V. like skeletal sheets rising from their graves, a series of recent investigations have revealed Chancellor Yang ...
read more

Wikihow: How to spell Nexustentialism

  Step 1: Check to see if you have a brain Knock knock! Who’s there? It’s your cerebral cortex, silly! Give your ol’ dome a couple of hearty taps with your knuckles to make sure that little...
read more

C.A.P.S. To Ask Students to “Maybe Try To Be Happy, Instead of Sad?”

  With collective pressure on California universities to better student health services, UCSB’s Counseling and Psychological Services program has launched a groundbreaking “See the Sunny Side...
read more

Diversity Win: Sorority Has Two Brunettes AND a Redhead!

  Sororities are known for many things — the cult-like, ahem, cute chants and hand signals, the iconic squat and, of course, a homogenous hue of golden-to-brassy heads. Brilliantly, however, UC...
read more

Five Most Eco-Friendly Ways to Get Shit-Faced

Like any true Gaucho, you probably love two things: peacefully enjoying the beautiful, awe-inspiring nature our tranquil golden coast provides us and getting shit-faced. But when the plandles pile up ...
read more

Asbestos in Ceiling Won’t Stop I.V. Rapper’s Mixtape From Being Fire

Popular I.V. rapper Lil’ Bestos has been preaching defiance after realizing that there is asbestos in his new I.V. apartment. “When I heard that this ‘asbestos’ is a fire retardant,” Bestos ...
read more

Freshman Gets Trapped in Middle of Storke Tower Bike Loop, Has Panic Attack, Is Rescued

In what was certainly a jarring experience, Isla Vista Foot Patrol, the National Guard, Navy SEALs and the local SWAT team were called in to rescue freshman student Francisco Torres after he became tr...
read more

Lost Freshman On SBMTD Bus Winds Up in San Bernardino

  Somewhere, Calif. –– In a spectacular yet relatable blunder this weekend, freshman Greg Harrison somehow ended up riding a SBMTD bus over 150 miles to the suburbs of Los Angeles while tryin...
read more

BREAKING: Rival Mascots Olé Gaucho and Musty the Mustang Caught in Affair

It’s the time of year when our beloved Blue-Green rivalry is in full swing. Soccer players are soccer playing, Gauchos are Loco-ing and everyone is perfecting their “Fuck Cal Poly” cheers.  But...
read more

Best and Worst Majors by Smell

  We have all had the experience of sitting next to someone in a lecture hall and being assaulted by the smell of your neighbor. While I firmly believe that anyone can stink or smell incredible, ...
read more

UCSB Mountain Lion: Where Is He Now?

  The notorious UCSB mountain lion has reportedly had a successful first week at school. After moving into his dorm in FT, his RA, B. Trayal, expressed gratitude for how smooth Mountain Lion made...
read more