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Nexustentialism

Listicle or Satirical, Never Newsical

Sorority Sally “Distraught” After Beyoncé Drops Out of Coachella

I feel like someone stuck their hand in my CHEST and RIPPED OUT MY HEART.
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UCSB Pro-Nazi Meninists Feel Oppressed by Campus Liberals

After the inauguration of President Donald Trump, UCSB pro-Nazi meninists claim to have been targeted by on-campus anti-Trump and anti-racism protests.
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Spirit of Andrew Jackson visits President Trump with New Domestic Policy Proposals

A recent tweet released by President Trump made mention of a “huge historical inspiration” from a good friend he “would’ve done business with.”
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President Obama to Join the National Tour Cast of ‘Hamilton: An American Musical’

While the Obamas do plan on taking some more time off, the former POTUS has recently announced his plans to join the touring national cast of “Hamilton.”
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Ask Eggbert: An Advice Column

UCSB’s Resident Alien Answers Your Burning Questions
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Third-Year Student Takes Over Philosophy 127 After Professor Fails to Show

“It was 4:07 and the professor wasn’t there,” he said. “I couldn’t take the silence so I just started talking.”
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Girl Scout Cookies: What You Need to Know

Be an informed buyer this Girl Scout Cookie season.
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Lonely Janitor Steals Keys to Hearts, Many Students Left Heartbroken

“I am like, completely heartbroken. He doesn’t even snap me back or respond to my Facebook event invites!” said second-year psych major Susan Cupid.
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Student Contacts Dead Ancestors for Dating Advice

“Performing seances when it isn’t Halloween isn’t great business,” Riley said, “So I figured I would help guide others with their ancestors’ advice on how to get in a relationship just in ...
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Trump Presidency Ends Reverse Racism in America

Just as Obama had ended regular racism before him, President Trump has successfully ended reverse racism. Wow!
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Missing Girl Found After Going into Hiding To Avoid Giving Ride

Missing UCSB student Jill Crosswell was found alive yesterday morning at 5:00 a.m.
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Isla Vista Cops Conflicted Over Encouraging Messages in Local Graffiti

Local police have been perplexed by 35 recent instances of “encouraging” graffiti in Isla Vista and at UCSB.
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Sorority Sally Confused About Muslin Ban

Sally considers the different points of views on the Muslin ban, but ultimately doesn’t understand the controversy.
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U Can Study Blonde: Elle Woods Goes Gaucho for Fashion Merchandising Ph.D.

After completing a campus visit and tour yesterday, Harvard Law graduate and political activist Elle Woods made her decision to enroll at UC Santa Barbara official by submitting her statement of inten...
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New Plans to Deal With DP Cliff-Slide Risk

Recent events surrounding the cliffslide and mandatory demolition at 6653 Del Playa have seen a shift in the design philosophy of oceanside property owners.
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