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Let It All Hang Out in Spring Quarter Free for All

If you never got the memo, Spring Break is just epic preparation for its successor, an annual phenomenon that arrives just in the nick of time: Spring Quarter. For the past three years I've greeted th...
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Unofficial Etiquette is of Utmost Importance

In an effort to improve our sewer-classiness to red-light-district-classiness, this week's topic will be a lesson in etiquette. Note: I am in no way insulting spliff-smoking at graduation, 9 a.m. hand...
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Fantastic Fantasies Finish the Quarter Right

Dark coils of hair decorate his chest, and his muscular arms grip my waist with a lusty firmness. He rips off my underwear and pushes me against the wall and... whoops! Sorry, guys. Didn't mean for yo...
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Don’t Let Whoopsies Ruin Whoopie

Did you know there are over 21,000 students enrolled at UCSB? That's 21,000 chances to meet someone you can converse with, flirt with and sleep with. The series of events along our condom-lined path t...
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Delight in Igniting Old Flames

Ah, Spring. It has arrived in full bloom, along with cloudless skies and girls in bikinis and UGGs working on their February tans. As the weather continues its persistent custom of cycling from warm t...
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Avoid Valentine’s Day Blues Isla Vista Style

Take cover, children. Cupid will be here in just four days, and he is covered in heart-shaped boils ejaculating chocolate-flavored pus. Based on my past several Valentine's Days, this diaper-clad ange...
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Mysterious Methods Make for a Pleasurable Read

I've been writing this column for about six weeks now, and word is finally getting around. People from the dorms who used to conveniently receive text messages when they passed me at the gym are sudde...
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Staying Soft Makes Wild Nights Hard to Come By

This article is dedicated to guys out there who have suffered from Limp Dick Syndrome: a condition that does NOT result in crazy hot sex and is caused by nervousness, malfunction or excessive alcohol ...
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Sext Messages Signal Next Generation of Booty Call

Hello. My name is Kera, and I'm a drunk dialer. It's been a rough seven weeks, two days and about 13 hours, but I'm finally cured. If it weren't for the support of my sponsor, Sext Message, I might be...
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Columnist Shops Local Store to Purchase Pleasure

When my English professor asked our class what we did over Winter Break, I kept my mouth shut. I wasn't prepared to inform 38 strangers that I spent my vacation investigating Santa Barbara's sexual de...
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Fill Thanksgiving Weekend With More Than Turkey

Thanksgiving weekend is right around the corner -- and it's sure to be stuffed. Stuffed with turkey, stuffed with pie, stuffed with kamikaze shots with Grandma and, if you have any respect for your be...
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Gaucho Soccer Fans Make Harder Anything but Boring

Andrew Seguin’s submission about his negative experiences in English football stands (“English Jeering Takes Fun out of Football,” Daily Nexus, Nov. 16, 2009) reminded me of how awesome the Gauc...
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Begakis Misses the Mark in Mass Infanticide Column

Oh, Steven Begakis. How cute that you’ve found God (“Mass Infanticide Cannot Be Government Subsidized,” Daily Nexus, Nov. 17, 2009). That must be so nice. Unfortunately, not all of us share your...
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Give a Standing Ovation for Public Performances

Living in a college town, we see a lot of weird shit go down. Just ask the poor, innocent alcoholics who’ve been ticketed for peeing in public, puking in public, fighting in public and even that...
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Online Commentary: Nexus Reader Finds A.S. Actions Sickening

Okay, so I’m reading this article (“A.S. Plans Power-Saving Project,” Daily Nexus, Nov. 10, 2009) about how Student Affairs has committed $3 million toward installa¬tion of “photovoltaic sola...
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