Articles written by: Matt Renner

Opinion / Satire

I.V.F.P. Officer Bummed Students Never Invite Him to Parties

As a police officer, I am sworn to protect and serve the community. And, although I am a professional who wouldn’t let anything get in the way of my duty, I wish the community would show a bit more gratitude. Sometimes it feels like nobody wants me around. For example, […]

Fraternity Dog Looking to Settle Down, Try His Paw at Love
Opinion / Satire

Fraternity Dog Looking to Settle Down, Try His Paw at Love

Let me start by saying that I am the house dog and a proud member of the Pi Omega Omega Pi fraternity. I love all my brothers and I know that one day those guys will be the groomsmen at my wedding. In fact, my boy Parker will probably be […]

Opinion / Satire

UCSB Volleyball Team Raises Money Selling DNA to Aryan Brotherhood

Statewide budget cuts have put pressure on almost every department of UCSB. Even our most successful sports programs have recently found themselves strapped for cash. But, by a stroke of luck, the UCSB volleyball team was approached by Barry Mills, leader of the white supremacist gang the Aryan Brotherhood. Mills […]

Lagoon “Very Impressed” With Length and Girth of Storke Tower
Opinion / Satire

Lagoon “Very Impressed” With Length and Girth of Storke Tower

Sources have confirmed that the Lagoon and Storke Tower “hooked up” for the first time this past Saturday night. The two were seen canoodling outside a party at their mutual friend Campbell Hall’s house. Friends of the Lagoon say that she was initially attracted to Storke Tower’s imposing physical stature. […]