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U.S. Interferes in North Carrillo Lunch

Chaos ensued last week when a local office for the U.S. Food and Drug Administration booked Carillo’s Mountainview Room for a staff meeting.
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Student Crumbles in Spring Quarter, Asks Parents For Money

A UCSB student lost her pride this weekend when she finally succumbed to poverty and asked her mom to transfer some money to her bank account.
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Drunken Basket Stealer Shows No Remorse in Court

“Yeah, I did it, and I’d gladly do it again. Those baskets knew what they were in for. Zip ties ain’t got nothing on me.”
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5 Most Romantic Spaces in the Library

Are you afraid the love of your life might slip away because all you can think about are blue books and essay prompts? Have no fear! Nexustentialism is here to save your unraveling relationships.
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Putin Hacks Starbucks, Students Rejoice Over Free Lattes

“It actually wasn’t that bad for me,” Starbucks barista Denise Gates said. “Many people tried to make up for it in tips so I counted myself lucky to be working that shift.”
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Trump Appoints Stanford Tree Head of U.S. Forest Service

“This is a guy who knows trees and the problems that they face,” said President Trump.
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Satan Declines Invitation to Trump Inauguration

“I was told that ‘literally Hitler’ would be sworn in. I know Hitler; he’s a good friend of mine. This guy is no Hitler; he doesn’t even have the mustache,”
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Santa Rescued from Sinking Sleigh by Heroic Surfers

“At first I couldn’t believe it,” second-year environmental studies Joseph Wilkins, one of the rescuers, said.
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Student Rushing Kappa Kappa Kappa Doesn’t Realize the Klan is not a Frat

“They were always wearing their robes and hoods, they chanted. I thought that’s what Greek organizations did.”
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Professor Creates Add Code Competition, Mass Casualties Ensue

The competition consists of four stages: a chariot race, a steel cage wrestling match, jousting, and finally a multiple choice exam.
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Week of Welcome Events That Didn’t Wow

Llamas & Lupus, Chips for Lips, and Moonlight Milk are all bygone welcome events that have come and gone on campus.
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5 Tips for Freshmen Still Suffering from Post-High-School Stress Disorder

Need some tips on how to make your first year not suck? Don’t worry, we gaucho back.
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5 Student Resource Services You’ve Been Neglecting, You Complete Fool

The Student Resource Building (SRB) is a magical wonderland filled with dreams and opportunities. We all know about CLAS, EOP and the Disabled Students Program, but did you know about these?
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5 Takeaways From the Democratic National Convention

The nation’s focus was on Philadelphia last week as the Democratic Party held their convention to nominate Hillary Clinton as their official 2016 presidential candidate. Here's 5 things you need to ...
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5 Things You Need to Know About the Republican National Convention

Catching up on last week's episode of national politics with twists and turns almost as juicy as KUWTK.
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