×
Menu

10 Stages of Finals Week

Despair. Pizza cravings. Yerba Mate. More despair. Finals season brings on a whole wave of feelings. Here is what a typical finals week looks like.
read more

Fresh Meat for Freshmen Program Proves a Huge Missed Steak

The Commission on Welcoming Freshmen (CWF) has cut funding for their proposed program “Fresh Meat for Freshmen”
read more

Local Ant Colony Prepares for Upcoming Picnic Season

As boiling July turns to simmering August, many families prepare last-minute outings before the new school year commences.
read more

Student Struggles Against Urge To Show-off Newfound Drinking Skills

Marie Bryant, a soon-to-be third year history student, returned to her hometown of Pasadena, California, to spend the summer break with her family.
read more

U.S. Interferes in North Carrillo Lunch

Chaos ensued last week when a local office for the U.S. Food and Drug Administration booked Carillo’s Mountainview Room for a staff meeting.
read more

Student Crumbles in Spring Quarter, Asks Parents For Money

A UCSB student lost her pride this weekend when she finally succumbed to poverty and asked her mom to transfer some money to her bank account.
read more

Drunken Basket Stealer Shows No Remorse in Court

“Yeah, I did it, and I’d gladly do it again. Those baskets knew what they were in for. Zip ties ain’t got nothing on me.”
read more

5 Most Romantic Spaces in the Library

Are you afraid the love of your life might slip away because all you can think about are blue books and essay prompts? Have no fear! Nexustentialism is here to save your unraveling relationships.
read more

Putin Hacks Starbucks, Students Rejoice Over Free Lattes

“It actually wasn’t that bad for me,” Starbucks barista Denise Gates said. “Many people tried to make up for it in tips so I counted myself lucky to be working that shift.”
read more

Trump Appoints Stanford Tree Head of U.S. Forest Service

“This is a guy who knows trees and the problems that they face,” said President Trump.
read more

Satan Declines Invitation to Trump Inauguration

“I was told that ‘literally Hitler’ would be sworn in. I know Hitler; he’s a good friend of mine. This guy is no Hitler; he doesn’t even have the mustache,”
read more

Santa Rescued from Sinking Sleigh by Heroic Surfers

“At first I couldn’t believe it,” second-year environmental studies Joseph Wilkins, one of the rescuers, said.
read more

Student Rushing Kappa Kappa Kappa Doesn’t Realize the Klan is not a Frat

“They were always wearing their robes and hoods, they chanted. I thought that’s what Greek organizations did.”
read more

Professor Creates Add Code Competition, Mass Casualties Ensue

The competition consists of four stages: a chariot race, a steel cage wrestling match, jousting, and finally a multiple choice exam.
read more

Week of Welcome Events That Didn’t Wow

Llamas & Lupus, Chips for Lips, and Moonlight Milk are all bygone welcome events that have come and gone on campus.
read more