Nexus File Photo

It’s almost alumni weekend here at UCSB, and with flocks of former Gauchos returning to campus, the university’s academic ranking is dropping by the second.

UCSB just recently clawed its way up to the No. 5 spot on the national rankings of public universities, but that prestige is set to come crumbling down as these ghosts of Gauchos past return the school to a time when students spent more time reading the labels on beer cans than they did textbooks.

These alumni — who somehow during their tenure here spent even more time coked out than current UCSB students do — have reportedly been thrilled about the university’s new high-achieving status.

“Since the university made the top 5 on the leaderboards, people have started to actually respect my degree for once,” one returning alumnus told the Nexus. “Keep up the good work, kiddos,” he added before asking if he could still find quaaludes ‘round these parts.

Indeed, the focus of UCSB students has not always been so squarely set on the academic achievements of the institution, and as thousands of alumni storm the campus, they bring with them the zeitgeist of Isla Vista in its heyday: couches burning in the streets, mattress fires, burning banks… a lot of mild to moderate arson, really. With all this crime to commit, there’s just no way these alumni could have had time to squeeze a study session into their busy, busy schedules.

As current students have begun emulating the actions of the older generation, the academics of the institution have fallen back to their historically mediocre levels, and incidents of drunken revelry have risen back to their historic highs.

“I could have sworn we were No. 5 last week,” one confused Gaucho wondered. “But now we’re back down to No. 8. It’s like we’re traveling back in time. At this rate, we’ll be ranking below the CSUs by the end of the week,” he continued, fear creeping into his voice.

Many returning alumni have not kept track of the goings-on of our community since their graduations and have reportedly felt out of the loop about certain aspects of the university’s departure from its party-school reputation. This is made especially evident by the graduates who have taken to mourning the loss of some of our most sacred festivities.

One alumnus, distraught upon hearing that Floatopia had been terminated since his graduation in 2006, had this to say about the school’s new, more academically-inclined leanings:

“You’ve lost your way, Gauchos. You can’t just submit to the will of the man. That’s, like, totally not cool, dudes.”

He also inquired as to whether the area was at least still plagued by packs of raccoons that roamed the streets at night in search of late-night partygoers to ambush. The Nexus was delighted to respond in affirmation.

The influx of senior Gauchos has brought the school back to a different age — one where drunken debauchery ruled the streets and academics were more of an afterthought. That being said, this weekend marks the perfect time to scapegoat the alumni for the “party school” reputation of this university, despite knowing most of its current students have drank more beer than water in the past six months and wouldn’t be caught dead on the eighth floor of the library.

 

Max Myszkowski has not been to the library all year.

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