Nexus File Photo

The entirety of the houses on Trigo Road have been purchased by a local investor, who claims that rising sea levels will turn Trigo into “the new DP.”

“I mean, sure, now it’s just housing a bunch of losers who can’t afford oceanside, but the scientists have told me it will be oceanside in a few years. I can’t wait to start charging twice as much in rent for houses with shitty foundations,” bragged the confident entrepreneur. He confirmed that he “definitely” already sold DP properties, “because, like, those houses are basically already one unruly mosh pit away from falling into the ocean.”

Local businesses have also been catching on to the perks of climate change and rising sea levels. Bagel Cafe, the most popular spot for UCSB students to get their fix of carbs and massive mounds of cream cheese, has already planned to rebrand.

“Ocean Bagel Cafe?” the owner reportedly proposed. “Or, uh, Bagels-by-the-Sea? That might be the one. Either way, I’m about to make bank off some shit-faced college students. From what I hear, Trigo will be prime real estate soon, baby. I’ve been making sure I drive instead of bike, and I always ask for extra plastic straws. I can’t wait. The Earth can’t die fast enough.”

Frats and sororities have been questioned as to whether or not they will be taking part in the preemptive oceanside real estate purchases, but we have not received any sort of official confirmation.

“I mean, like, scientists say it’s real, but we haven’t heard any real reputable source talk on climate change,” says Richard Smalley of Kappa Kappa Kappa. “Someone with clout, you know? If you don’t have clout, your opinion isn’t real. Everyone knows that.”

Smalley claims that if “his boy” Post Malone speaks out on rising sea levels, he and his brothers might consider looking for a new house, since there’s literally no point in going to UCSB if you can’t have an ocean view while you toss die and listen to “Mo Bamba.”

“Or Travis Scott. I’d believe him. That guy’s cool,” Smalley said while downing a pint in the back of Woodstock’s, allegedly skipping his Environmental Studies 50 section.

It’s unclear as to when exactly we will see the fall of DP and the rise of Trigo but frat boy skepticism aside, the general consensus is that it will happen eventually. While the loss of the convenient acronym “PTSD” and that one “ganja baby” house will be mourned, I for one am excited for Bagels-by-the-Sea.

Katherine McCabe is actually very concerned about climate change and the future of DP.