Nexus File Photo

Food, we all need it. Restaurants, we’ve all been to them. IV, definitely has ‘em. This cesspool of debauchery and dank memes is full of the best fucking foods to cure everything from a hangover to heartbreak upon realizing it’s not two for one night at Sharkeez. I hate when it’s not two for one night, it really wrecks the constant buzz I try to have downtown, or everyday, if I’m being completely honest.

BAGEL CAFE

Rating: 6/5 Chads

This is where you go Friday morning to see who slept with whom post-Uber ride from downtown  because, let’s face it, who actually makes it all the way to the bus home? This place is worth it if you get a plain bagel because 1) even that is delicious at this low budget hipster hideaway and 2) you get to see your friends who heavily fucked-up the night before and ridicule them.

IV DELI

Rating: 4/5 Chads

This safe haven is literally the Mecca of all foods in any given situation. It could be midnight or nine in the morning — you can still order the dankest of wings from this palace. Order the Fat Gaucho at 4 p.m., regret doing that, then finish the rest because it’s midterm season and you know you can’t hate yourself any more than you already do,so why not follow through. IV is not the land of quitters and, as most of us know all too well, spitters are quitters.

FIRE AND ICE

Rating: 3/5 Chads

Food is great, but the atmosphere is somewhere between a mortician’s office and your weird Uncle Ted’s home office. I lost my boba virginity here, so it will always hold a special place in my heart. I will say, longer hours would be nice, as I could use a little pick-me-up after I’ve drunkenly dressed up like a depraved minister for a shotgun wedding themed gathering — a boy can dream, right?

FREEBIRDS

Rating: 5/5 Chads

The nachies are great, the ‘rittos are perf, it’s, like, so dank you cannot EVEN imagine. Sorority girls and drunk dude named Brock flock to this IV landmark. The only thing that could make this more srat would be some Vitali, which most of us already have in our liver by the time we get there.

WOODSTOCKS

Rating: 4/5 Chads

Would be perfect, but one time a dude pooed himself on the ground directly in front of me. I did get free champagne, however, and proceeded to get blasted on a Sunday so… might have to add another Chad to this just for that.

7-Eleven

Rating: 7/5 Chads

It’s Amal’s favorite, so it’s gotta be fyre. Oh, too soon?

BUDDHA BOWLS

Rating: 5/5 Chads

Makes me feel like my energy level is something of a nice satin, maybe a mild tangerine. Oh wait, that’s my aura not my energy level.

THAT NEW SUSHI RESTAURANT THAT OVERTOOK THE KNOCK-OFF ITALIAN PLACE

Rating: -1/5 Chads

I couldn’t get any service here. I literally had no clue what to do, and I wasn’t even on shrooms that day.

Chad Simpleton was most disappointed that there were no chicken nuggies at any of these dining establishments.