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Hello freshmen! Welcome to my first “Sex with Stench” article, a monthly sex advice column I’ll be doing for Nexustentialism.

I’ve chosen watching porn as my first topic because I think it serves as a perfect transition from masturbating in the comfort of your parents’ home to your tiny shared dorm room.

I know lots of you must be very scared right now because your moms aren’t here to wash your semen-stained bed sheets, but have no fear! Once you’re done reading this article you’ll be a sure pro at watching porn and cleaning up after yourself.

Q: What is the correct way to watch porn? – Lily, 17

A: Fully clothed and drenched in holy water.

Q: Is porn feminist? – Sophie, 18

A: It depends. The only time porn is feminist is when the woman actually orgasms.

Q: How do I watch porn when I only like very loud porn? – Andy, 18

A: This is hard, Andy. Very hard. There are no efficient solutions here other than to play your porn loud and proud. Eventually your roommates will get used to it and maybe even join you!

Q: Can I watch porn with a Tinder hookup? – Sam, 19  

A: The answer is yes. When my Netflix subscription expired, my Tinder hookup and I had nothing else to do except watch porn. However, I must say that porn-watching with a partner makes it more about the plot than the actual coitus or fellatio, so don’t say I didn’t tell you so when you two start discussing casting and wardrobe choices.

Q: Can I watch it openly at a lecture hall? – Kyra, 17

A: Only if you’re sitting on the first row without headphones.

Q: Where do I find the college sex parties like the ones I see in porn? – Alex, 19

A: If you illegally Bird or Lime onto campus, you will come across a place called the University Center (UCen for short). Wait until dark and linger around the first floor public restrooms.

Q: Do I wait to have sex until I’ve seen all the porn? – Danny, 18

A: YES. Thank you for asking. You must indeed watch all the porn (yes, including hentai!) to have sex. If you don’t abide by these rules, your partner will know that you once had an orgasm to “Airbud: Seventh Inning Fetch” (2002).

Q: Do I wait to have my floor orgy until June? – Mia, 19

A: The same way you always wait until Week 9 to hook up with your lab partner: yes.  

Q: Are there really horny singles in my area? – John, 18

A: No. Since Santa Barbara is the third-best UC, all students must always study to maintain that status. There are no horny singles in your area because they are all studying.

Q: Is it wrong to use my roommate’s lube? – Sarah, 18

A: Never. In fact, they secretly love it when they know your dirty hands have been on the same place as their dirty hands.

Q: Can my penis really grow five inches using this nifty trick? – Davis, 32

A: YES. With just four easy installments of $49.99, you can easily grow your peen until your partner begs you to reverse it.

I hope you found this useful, Gauchos! Leave your questions or suggestions for what my next topic should be down below.

 

Diana Prince is a certified top and a reluctant bottom.

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