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It’s the first quarter of college. You shake with anticipation, excited as the future of your unsupervised adult life starts now. There is just one thing off about your perfect new life: your new roommates. You don’t know what it is, but there is some unspoken tension permanently between you. Lucky for you, I have an answer to your troubles. I present the roommate hierarchy:

Alpha:

The alpha roommate is the hallmark of decision making. Oftentimes the tallest roommate, the alpha roommate may often have the largest dick of the roommates, thus exemplifying his status. He will, more often than not, be having sex nearly 24/7, with or without you in the room. His word is law, with unwanted decisions followed by the classic, “We’re not doing that.” Alpha’s are often hard partiers and will come to and fro as they please. Caution: Do NOT invoke the wrath of the alpha, or you may be metaphorically and/or literally separated from your balls!

Beta:

The beta is often the wingman to the alpha. Though he himself may have a larger dick, he is shadowed by the personality of the alpha. In the case of larger rooms, a dual-beta situation may arise out of who is or is not the second-rate. Betas may often follow the alphas, so as to avoid the most dreaded status of all, omega.

Omega:

If, at this point, you may be thinking, “My roommates don’t do that, they are cool.” Then, I’m sorry, but you are in fact the lowest status of roommate, omega. The omega has no willpower in the room, even though he may be in it the most. Do not be surprised if you find your sleep schedule fucked. It is probably the work of the alpha and beta cooperatively sexiling you or poking you in your sleep in an attempt to drive you insane and drop out. Not to worry, though, classes only last till June, so you can make it!

Chuck Mannsly is a second-year film studies major and former omega roommate who is *this* close to losing it.