Are you worried about all of the potentially horrible things that could happen to you your freshman year? Well you should be. Disaster lurks around every corner, so be prepared for any of the following scenarios:
1. Your roommates sacrifice you for a 4.0
If you think your roommates are talking shit about you, they may just be planning to sacrifice you to the Academia Gods for a 4.0. Beware of any freaky chants and “Eyes Wide Shut”–esque robes and masks.
2. You get butane poisoning from taking a dab
Not only will everyone know you’re incredibly lame and that you can’t hang, but dabs are stupid. Just smoke weed like everyone else.
3. You get food poisoning from the dining hall
This is a rational fear, and it definitely will happen. Prepare your digestive system accordingly. Honestly, just go vegetarian now.
4. Your floormates could spread some incredibly rare and disgusting illness
Mono is too on the nose. Hand, foot and mouth disease ran its course through I.V. two years ago. Let’s bring back swine flu, am I right?
5. Your top bunk roommate is a bed-wetter
You may think you totally finessed the best bed in your shoebox of a triple, but all of that will change the first time you feel your blacked-out roommate’s piss drip through their mattress and onto your head in the wee hours of the morning.
6. Your TA does actually hate you and low-balls your grade
Nobody really knows how TAs think and grade, but your TA really fucking hates you. They die a little inside every time you show up in office hours and find slick ways to fuck with your grade.
7. You get caught in a mid-shower fire alarm
This may seem like a classic cinematic trope but IT REALLY HAPPENS. You can avoid this highly-plausible scenario by never showering.
8. Your roommate is a chronic masturbator
Look, everyone needs to let off some steam every once in a while, but for the love of god wait until you’re alone. If your roommate is jerkin’ it all the time, seriously just move out.
9. You get caught in the crossfire of your roommate’s criminal activity
Possible red flags include if your roommate asks you to hang onto a large quantity of drugs or to dispose of something that looks like it belongs in an evidence lockup.
10. Your significant other is a Russian sleeper agent
In this political climate anything is possible. It’s gotta be super disappointing to find out your new boo thang was just using you to establish their cover all while infiltrating national intelligence, though.
11. Your one night stand turns out to be your professor
Yeah this shit happens all the time. Such a bummer when the person you thought you’d never see again turns out to be teaching your class for the next 10 weeks. Best to just stay in your age range on Tinder.
Hannah Jackson suffered from a mid-shower gas leak her freshman year. Mid-shampoo and everything.
Hannah serves as the Editor-in-Chief and was previously Social Media Manager and Opinion Editor. She is a dancer, an avid napper and has killed every succulent she ever owned.