It’s the biggest scandal in your DP duplex’s history since the “Who the fuck parked in my bike spot?” incident last October. #Plategate has rocked and loosened the foundations in which the relationships of your housemates have been built upon.
It all started approximately three months ago when, after a joyous Sunday morning breakfast, an unidentified member of your house put a dirty plate in the, gasp, clean dish rack.
“It’s a travesty,” said Ronald Uptite. “It’s 2018, I thought we really had moved on past accidentally leaving dirty dishes in the clean dish rack. I took the only natural action and threw the dirty plate all over his sheets to teach him a lesson.”
“Him” being Ricky Layback, a second-year psychology major. “I did not appreciate the spiciness one bit,” said Layback. “And he’s only gotten worse.”
The other day, Layback reportedly had a girl over when Uptite rushed in and threw a half-finished bowl of clam chowder, that he thought Layback had left in the living room, all over the pair.
“Clam chowder. He cock-blocked me with clam chowder.”
Drastic actions have even been conducted to combat Uptite’s reign of terror as the residents of your duplex have organized a secretive task force. The actions of this so-called task force include leaving passive aggressive notes, passive aggressive texts, and the formation of a separate group chat where the residents talk shit about Uptite.
“Honestly,” said resident Michael Simpleton. “This may be the most high-tensioned situation this country has seen since the cold war.”
No one from the Department of State was available to confirm on the validity of Simpleton’s claim. However, no one was available to deny the claim either.
“I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, this is ruining my life.”
Recently, the residents of your duplex have begun collecting uncleaned glasses left out by Uptite himself, hoping to confront him and possibly throw the uncleaned glasses in his room as well.
“I want to do it so bad, but it terrifies me,” said Layback. “I can’t imagine the retaliation. An unfinished hot-pocket to the face, or even worse, a multiple paragraph long text in our house group chat.”
Oh, the horror.
My name is Kian Karamdashti and, I too, am a victim of the disastrous effects of #Plategate.
Kian Karamdashti is an Opinion and Nexustentialism staff writer. He studied abroad in London for three months and likes to play soccer – or football as the Brits call it. He is a Sagittarius.