As spring beckons all flowers to blossom, so has my relationship with Eric, and trust me, guys, when I tell you we are perfect for each other: We both love dogs, lactose-free ice cream and have a really hard ochem quiz on Thursday. Everyone always asks me why our relationship is so damn perfect and how we manage to keep the love alive. The Opinion section wouldn’t let me get this piece through, but Nexustentialism said it would be okay, so here I am to share it.
SPOON HARD ON GRASS. I’m telling you, Eric and I have been practicing this pretty devoutly for the two months we’ve been together, and it has totally strengthened our relationship. What you do is this:
- After class, meet up at any patch of grass you can find on campus. Eric and I prefer the Campus Green, since the crowds are usually bigger, but the Carillo or Arbor lawn are just as good. If your partner doesn’t feel like coming, start crying a little bit or saying things like,“We never spend time together!” and they’ll submit pretty quick. Eric definitely did.
- Position yourself so you’re just close enough to a walkway or sidewalk for people to feel like they’re too close to your intimate moment. Remember, you’re spooning so publicly because you want to share it. Most people passing by won’t realize that, but it’s so important that you make them feel included.
- Really intertwine. From afar, it should look like the two of you are one bunchy, really messed up person. You want people to be confused and scared. Plus, jumbling yourselves together like that makes you feel like you really are in this together.
- Rub and Kiss. At this point, you should be rubbing each others arms, legs, and/or backs excessively. A good heavy pet is a great way to tell people how serious you are about your public spoon. You should kiss with the passion of a thousand stars, so when that after class rush hour hits, you better believe hundreds of onlookers are gonna be totally jealous of what you have.
- STAY OUT THERE! Amateur hard spooners will tell you to just hang out ’til you want to leave. I’m saying this is false. The longer you stay out there, the better. Eric and I are out there rain or shine. The other day he got a pretty bad sunburn, but that’s the price you pay for true love, and all that matters is that everyone gets to see it.
Annie Pepper is a third-year art and history double major. She loves the movie “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” Eric is her first boyfriend.