Courtesy of SBSO

It’s a beautiful Sunday morning. Well, it’s 1:30 in the afternoon and you’re a little dehydrated, but you have few complaints overall. You safely managed to make it to your best friend’s couch, the holy trinity of your keys, wallet and phone are all still together and you have a whole Sunday to recover and procrastinate on your homework. Life is all right.

As you meander out the front door of your buddy’s 65 DP duplex, a moment of panic hits. Where is your bike? Your mind races to puzzle together the jigsaw of your inebriated shenanigans, and the gut-wrenching realization comes over you.

No, your bike was not stolen. It’s safely locked up … on the 68 block of Trigo Road. The Isla Vista Walk of Shame is upon you.

Sounds like a nightmare, right? However, for third-year sociology major Richard Hertz, this nightmare became his dark reality. While the “Walk of Shame” is typically associated with a morning trek home after a sexual escapade, the Isla Vista edition holds a different connotation.

UCSB professors, scholars and multiple Nobel Prize winners define the Isla Vista Walk of Shame as “the sorrowful walk one makes to retrieve their bike after shamefully abandoning it the night before.”

“I knew it was a bad idea to go to that pregame! It was on the fucking 68 block of Trigo! Only families live over there.” said Hertz. “I was already five or six shots deep once we left the house, so I didn’t even think to bring it back home before heading out.”

What made it even worse was the fact that Hertz was still wearing the same costume from his American-themed party the night before.

“Yeah, that was definitely a strange sight to see. I originally thought it was just a belligerent Trump supporter,” an anonymous Del Playa Drive bystander said. “I was just chilling on my balcony enjoying the sun when this fully-grown man came trudging down the sidewalk in a ‘Back to Back World War Champs’ shirt and an American flag speedo. Which, personally, I think is pretty offensive. I mean, imagine your junk touching the American flag.”

As Hertz trudged down the sidewalk on his approximately 15-minute-long journey, it was reported that multiple Isla Vista residents stopped to observe him, snapping pictures to shame him on the school’s multiple Facebook pages.

“Obviously I feel bad for the kid,” said sophomore Isabella Torres. “But I did exploit his embarrassing moment for 200 likes on the meme page, so I actually don’t care at all.”

With his confidence in shambles, Hertz arrived at his bike, swung his bare, pale legs over it and biked off into the Isla Vista distance. No doubt stopping at 7/11 to pick up a large Gatorade.

 

*Every weekend, approximately 30 students make the Isla Vista Walk of Shame. Don’t go to pregames at Santa Ynez. Don’t be another statistic.

 

Kian Karamdashti has definitely never ever participated in the Isla Vista Walk of Shame, but he did once down a large, lemon-lime Gatorade in 8.3 seconds on a Sunday morning.

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