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When third-year Anikka Carlson went home to her cozy Isla Vista apartment last Monday night, she was surprised to observe that her roommate, who preferred to remain anonymous, went in and out of the bathroom in under two minutes.

“So I was there sitting on my bed when I noticed my roommate get up to use the restroom,” Carlson began. “From then on all I heard were two plops, a flush, then boom. Done. I couldn’t believe it.”

But surprise wasn’t all Carlson felt when her roommate pooped very quickly. She also felt intimidated.

“Who the fuck does she think she is? Too busy not to take her time?” Carlson explained. “Usually when I need to blow ass it takes me 10 minutes at minimum. Mostly because I never know when I’m really done, you know? One minute it’s like a faucet but the next it’s like I’m giving little booty births to raisins.”

After a few minutes of really just thinking about it, Carlson realized that the problem probably wasn’t her roommate’s average shitting time, but rather her own diet.

“I can never decide if I want to eat healthy or not, so one day I’ll eat a banana but the next I’ll eat Buddha Bowls,” she said. “I can see now why my asshole would be confused — constipation is really just a complex subject. College really does teach you things.”  

Anikka’s observations reflect that of the university’s concern of the very deadly (but useful) D.A.D.S.S. — Day After Drinking Shitting Syndrome, which is predominant within UCSB students during the first weeks of a quarter.

Vianna Mabanag does not poop, has never even pooped and does not even plan on pooping anytime in the near or far future.