So you didn’t buy that ticket to Cabo, or you’re not quite old enough to “hit the clubs” (or whatever the kids say) in Vegas. Doesn’t mean you can’t get drunk and laid this spring break in your trusty ‘ol childhood bedroom! But what about my parents? They’re right down the hall! Fear not young one, your sex guru is back to tackle the ultimate c**k block. That’s right. The advice you’ve all been waiting for: how to kick your parents out so you can bang your old high school fling.
1. Send them a text that there’s a sale at the local hardware store.
Parents eat sales up! And of course the sexual innuendos will let them know they might have to really comb those aisles. (Get it? ‘Cuz tools and wood)
2. Change all of the locks while they’re sleeping.
Wave at them while they bang on the front door with Christi or Lindsee or whatever other home-from-college broad that also just happened to totally randomly go to that absolute rager at Joey’s house, who may or may not be in the high school class of ’18.
3. Put a sock on your bedroom door.
A classic!! Your dad is 100% going to fist bump you the next morning over your “congrats you got laid” breakfast made by your mom. Because nothing says adult sex than chocolate chip pancakes with a whipped cream smiley face.
4. Obnoxiously make out with someone in front of them.
A risky option, yes. But you’re an adult now, damn it, and you can kiss whoever you want in your parent’s kitchen! They are bound to get so grossed out that they book a hotel room for the night in the next town over.
5. Have sex on the living room couch.
While this isn’t necessarily sexiling since they will be upstairs, it is fool-proof and, personally, one of my favorites (and you can trust a “good girl” named Candace). The loud action movie, the blanket over the lap and waiting till your parents fall asleep at 10:30: it’ll bring back good memories of you absolutely having no idea how to please another person in high school
(See: Where is female genitalia? Should foreplay be longer than a minute?).
Candace Dunkin once sexiled a house of 15 people and somehow convinced them it was their idea.