Peyton Stotelmyre / Daily Nexus

What’s up girly pops! The greatest time of the entire year is back and better than ever! No, it’s not the Victoria’s Secret semi-annual sale … It’s sorority recruitment! I’m here to give you the 4-1-1, what everybody’s been up to, the hot gossip. I will tell you everything you need to know about sorority recruitment so you can be as prepared as possible to find your home away from home. Let’s burst right in!

1. First things first, you’ll want to be presenting the best, most authentic version of yourself. This is where a lot of girls get nervous! What do I wear? How’s my hair? Are my wings even? Let me tell you this: Sorority women could give a dang about what you wear. They care about YOU! So to show them your truest self, I recommend arriving completely in the nude, baring all you have to offer. Maybe even immediately bring up your past traumas as a meaningful and heartfelt icebreaker!

2. Remember that you’re human; it’s totally okay — normal even — to be nervous! They’re nervous too! After all, you’re the one they’re truly trying to impress. If you feel really sweaty, or you feel lightheaded and shaky, or you suddenly shit yourself from extreme terror, don’t even worry about it. Just let it happen. Sorority women are so poised and understanding that it won’t even phase them. It happens to us all the time!

3. Definitely talk about all of your experience and expertise with drugs, alcohol and sex. This one truly goes for all college introductions, not just sorority recruitment! College students love hearing about all the crazy stuff you’ve done and how much you know about everything! It’s totally unique to bring this up, and it’ll really make you stand out from the crowd. The truth is, not that many people party or engage in intercourse in college. They’re either too busy, or they’re just totally lame virgins! So it really makes an impactful difference when you give your special advice.

4. Immediately establish yourself as the alpha in all situations. There’s nothing quite like a girl who immediately undermines you and decides that she’s more worthy to walk this earth than you; it shows real gumption. This kind of gumption is what’s needed to make a chapter strong and leave a lasting legacy! So put on your red bottoms, strut your stuff, push an ugly girl into the lagoon and get ready to yell at the sorority woman who invites you into her home!

5. As you make your way through recruitment, you learn a lot about yourself and your values. So start thinking about them now. What do you care about? Why are you here? If it’s to make yourself look perfect and get a bunch of Insta likes so you can get the attention of my boyfriend, Chad (whom I totally caught you trying to flirt with at Starbucks the other day), then I have some bad news for you, Bethany! It isn’t going to work! You’re here for the wrong reasons, and I know where you live, so you better watch your fucking back.

6. Get blonde highlights and a spray tan. It doesn’t matter what house you end up in — after all, it’s Santa Barbara, right? You need to fit the part. I don’t care how brassy your highlights are or how splotchy your fake tan is. This. Is. The. BEACH. You need to get your shit together.

7. Flash your money. Flaunt your wealth. People genuinely love this.

Thank you so much for reading Rebecca Bell’s tips and tricks for the bestest recruitment ever! I know that if you follow these rules to a T, you’ll find your dream home with sisters that will last you a lifetime. Happy rushing!

Rebecca Bell is a Seventh Year Junior who decided to triple major in Communication, Environmental Studies (B.A.), and Sociology in order to have more time with her #sisters!