Courtesy of Daily Emerald

A wise dude-areeno once saideth, “Prosperity is not just scale; adversity is the only balance to weigh friends.” I definitely have that quote tatted on my ass, and as [redacted]’s new member educator for the past 15 years, I make double or triple freaking sure to stay true as hell to my inked cheeks while hazing the future McCoys of this lit-ass (haha call me Crocodile Pundee, tho) fraternity. Scheuster and Mokes are forsurely gonna be heated about this, but out of the supreme zesty-ness of my heart, I’ve decided to share some of my hazing methods and rituals.  Imma lay this shit out chronologically based on what week of the quarter one should implement each haze. Enjoy and gah bless.

Week 1: Start off slow. Take them to the nearest Jack in the Box and make them work the drive-thru.

Week 2: We’re getting off the fucking ground here, champ. Give pledges the option of either running for senate or chopping wood with Kenny Loggins. (Pun B strikes again, bitch.)

Week 3: Keep it coming with the bonafide heaters, Edgar Allen Bro. Have them travel by sled to a European city-state.

Week 4: The proverbial kitchen is super hot asf at this dank juncture. Pledges must wear spicy threads inspired by the Magic Tree House book series.

Week 5: Can’t stop this gravy train, brochacho. Tell pledges they’re off the hook for the week and proceed to piss in their textbooks.

Week 6: All pledges must change their first names to Kurt.

Week 7: No more games. Pledges can only make noise with their noses for the rest of the quarter.

Week 8: Yooooo just thought of one. Entertain a business relationship with each of their fathers, perfectly execute a global ponzi scheme and bankrupt them beyond repair. #savage

Week 9: This is a great week for the boys; go ahead and take them skydiving. If they don’t know alpha class, cut their parachute chords.

Week 10: Have the pledges switch to a S.T.E.M. major, complete pre-med requirements and pursue a fulfilling career in emergency care; being a dedicated family man is optional.

Finals week: Let the pledgies take their finals. After they’re done, send John Stamos to their cribs and have him roundhouse kick them into the adjacent yard.

Phil’s currently tryna pool some resources for the bumper on Friday. Pitch $5 to his Venmo if you’re down.