Back by the popular demand of one person, Eggbert the Alien has returned to Earth and is ready to advise! In this installment, Eggbert will answer the burning, itchy questions of committed incoming UCSB freshmen as well as prospective students!
Q: Hey, so, I’m not really sure what this is, but my tour guide said I could send you questions about life at UCSB. So … is the party scene really all it’s hyped up to be? I’m a little concerned I won’t fit in because I don’t really like to go out.
A: Yes, UCSB is really all that it is hyped up to be, maybe even better. If you don’t like to go out, you won’t like it here. Try touring UCLA.
Q: Hey, Eggy-Man! The name is Thomas, I’ve committed to UCSB and I plan to rush in the fall. Any tips to help me get into the best frat? I think of myself as pretty fratty already, but I just want to be better than everyone else that’s rushing.
A: My tips are as follows: don’t be yourself, respect women and try to avoid cultural appropriation. Your species is the last of the Milky Way to catch on to this last one. It is truly quite embarrassing. Tsk-tsk.
Q: Hi Eggbert :) I’m a little nervous about having to live in a dorm and deal with roommates for the first time in my life. Is there a way to make that transition easier?
A: Yes, small Earthling, there is a way. Make all your phone calls in the middle of the night and don’t clean up after yourself, ever. It establishes you as the Alpha. Are you aware of what “sardines” are? If you are not, you should familiarize yourself with their packaging, as it appears that this is the model your university uses as a standard for your quality of living.
Q: I’ve heard a lot of rumors about people and houses falling off of cliffs. Is it really that common?? I’m kind of scared … I don’t want that to happen to me!
A: If I may elaborate, none of these occurrences are accidental, so fret not. When a person or house falls off a cliff, it is actually a show of devotion to the god Dionysus, in the hope that he will uphold and defend such institutions as the “Del Playa,” and the “Deltopia.” It is all in good spirit!
Q: I’ve heard of some pretty nasty shit that goes down at the dining commons. Is there a way to eat well on campus?
A: No. Look forward to the 15 pounds you will gain this fall. Perfect timing to keep you warm for the winter!
Q: I love hooking up with chicks, like, all the time, so how do I let my roommates know I have a *friend* over? Do I just put a sock on the door? Oh! I also hate using condoms.
A: It is my expert opinion that you do not have to ability to persuade anyone to engage in coital activity with you, therefore I do not feel the need to answer this question.
Q: What’s with the whole biking everywhere thing? It’s kind of intimidating.
A: The best way to assimilate to Bike Culture at UCSB is to stand in the middle of a bike path — any will do — during a passing period, and allow at least one to hit you full force. This makes it hurt less the next time it will inevitably happen to you.
Q: I looooooove to party! I’m so excited to hit I.V. when I get here in the fall! I want to go out, like, every night! Where are the best places to go? I love binge drinking and skiing, I dropped acid at my cousin Nick’s 20th birthday party and I’ve given my social security number to at least three strangers while drunk.
A: I’ll think you’ll do very well in college and will definitely graduate in at least five years. Have fun!
Eggbert the Alien is the resident extraterrestrial of UCSB who offers his best intergalactic advice while laughing hysterically at the stupidity of earthly elected officials.