We’ve all been there, guys: You’re bringing a beautiful girl to your bed to make passionate, consensual love to her. You reach for your nightstand, open the drawer and BAM: no rubbers. No way you’re about to have sex without a condom. That’s too risky. No way you’re about to skateboard to I.V. Market to buy some because that’ll take too long and she might lose interest. You gotta act now, man!!! For those situations, here’s a list of everyday items that could be used as totally viable substitutes for condoms.
- Saran wrap: This one always seems like the best option, but the only problem is it can be sometimes rather difficult to gauge how much you’ll need. Put on too much and you either have to toss some out and waste it or have so much on that you can’t feel anything. Put on too little and you have to pull off another piece and worry about the two sheets not sticking together. Word of advice: measure twice, cut once!
- Aluminum foil: This one is reserved mainly for those who are super into BDSM stuff, as the only way you won’t feel pain is if you coat everything with olive oil first. Going this route is good because it also retains your member’s heat for several hours; it’s bad because, well, it’s a soft metal but a metal nonetheless. Same thing goes here as with the saran wrap, and be especially careful to not cut anything precious on those little metal teeth on the side of the box.
- Rubber glove: These handy little guys (this pun was brought to you by the fine folks at Build-a-Pun. Build-a-Pun: where egos are inflated and friendships are ruined!) are good for up to five uses. Please do not go more than five. If you don’t know why you shouldn’t go more than five, don’t try to figure out why by trial and error. Just don’t fucking do it.
- Sandwich bag: Preferably those Ziplock resealable ones for extra protection around the shaft.
- Dungeons and Dragons dice bag: Same as the sandwich bag, although if this item is your first thought, are you really about to get laid? By an actual human woman? Oh wait, she’s totally into that stuff, too? Well then, by all means, roll a natural 20 to plunder her dungeon, good sir!
- Your sock: Wow, you are really dropping the ball this week. Because up until just now, with a beautiful girl lying in your bed, you thought, “I have plenty of clean laundry!” Think again, genius: The only clean socks you own are those ones with the little cartoon characters your mom got you as a gag gift with the first care package she sent you your freshman year. Should be fine, right? As long as you keep the lights, like, ALL the way off?
- Your housemate’s sock: Double whammy: You get laid AND you get back at Keenan for eating my fucking sandwich bread, you whore!
Will McIntosh is a third-year English major who has totally had all the sex before and knows what he’s talking about.