For some, Spring Break means a week of respite from classes through the healing properties of tequila and sunshine in the blessed land of Cabo. For others who happen to be less fortunate, Spring Break means a week of White Russians in the morning and desperate, lonely handle pulls at night to cope with the disaster of the previous quarter. If you are one of the latter, you’ll most likely redownload Tinder in this drunken haze of denial and be assaulted with the legions of online fuckbois who want nudes. In this article, I will lay out tips for you to preemptively stop this barrage of needy messages that even plastered you doesn’t want.
Tip #1: Set aside those mixed bevies early and start taking eight-second minimum handle pulls by 10:30 a.m. This way you’ll be so plastered by 1:00 pm you can’t even respond to the boys. If you wake up past this time, either catch up by increasing your minimum pull time to 11 seconds or you can set alarms so you can wake up and drink before going back to sleep.
Tip #2: Go through your contact and Tinder match lists and block and unmatch every known hometown thirsty boy. Depending on historical levels of thirstiness you can also block them on Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Groupme, Tumblr, Pinterest and Kik. Keep him on Venmo so there can be some financial compensation for whatever emotional damage he does.
Tip #3: Put your Tinder settings on women only. Begin every message with something along the lines of “FUCK THE PATRIARCHY” and consequently make a bunch of new BFFs or girlfriends. This will allow you to possibly find a drinking buddy during Spring Break that you can shit all over fuckbois with.
Tip #4: Find a new hobby to occupy you! Like alcoholism! Why not keep drinking? Don’t stop! Add a Four Loko in there. Cry. Repeat. Snort some cocaine and become a vendor on the black market for human organs and crack pipes! Maybe also look into rehab facilities.
Tip #5: Become the fuckboi. Nothing throws a boy off more than being hit with his own creepy vibes. Tell him he’s beautiful and complain about him taking showers without you. Include lots of random and inappropriately placed filler phrases like “haha,” “come over” or “;-).” Feeling somewhat cheated and vaguely uncomfortable, the boy will soon stop replying to your messages.
Sophie is a first-year student who religiously applies all these tips to her daily life and never gets hit up, ever.