Too curvy, too thick, too skinny, too pasty, too nothing. Every day one is bombarded with opinions of what our bodies should look like, from the mouths of magazines, friends and, sadly, even family members. Yes, the subject has been beaten to death — to a complete pulp — however, we still don’t seem to get it. No matter our physique, we still tend to want to be something different, but what happens when the time comes to bare it all as it is? Nothing else seems to cause as much anxiety as worrying about what you look like when it comes down to get busy with your significant other. You want to enjoy yourself, but instead you find yourself preoccupied with making sure you look like as close to a porn star as possible.
The fact is, we can’t all have triple Ds or, in my case, even measly Bs or be skinny, curvy or thick all at the same time. We can’t all magically develop Kardashian asses — no matter how many squats we put in — and we don’t have to in order to enjoy sex.
Many times I found myself wondering what made me look good when putting on my birthday suit, heck, even better! If I put my leg over here, if I twist there, will that show too much stomach? I need to sit up straight or else he’ll see too much. Enough is enough, people! Is sex not supposed to be about physical pleasure anyway? Turn off your mind and R-E-L-A-X! Indulge in your senses. Be in the moment. Clear your mind, and enjoy it without letting your preoccupations and worries get in the way. Again, you are doing something in the name of physical pleasure, so get out of your head — unless, of course, it helps you get there — and get it on already!
One way to not let your insecurities stop you from enjoying your sex life is to stop comparing your body to everyone around you. Seriously, sit down and reason with yourself, and you will see that this makes absolutely no sense. You are not that person, and so, obviously, you do not look like them. I’m not declaring a war on being fit or demeaning trying to look your best, far from it, but the only person you can be better than is yourself. Stop exhausting all your time trying to become your idealized girl/guy next door and try to see yourself as a separate, and just as good, human being.
Another helpful way to get out of your mind and into your body is to really set the mood. I know, been there done that, and it has been repeated more than the whole meteor and dinosaurs on Earth story, but it does its fair share of damage. Play steamy music, darken the room, light a couple of candles. I know, it sounds cliché and mushy, but it works. It might not for everyone, but I guarantee most of you will be happy you tried it. Either way, just make sure to put the candles out when you people are done getting weird.
Make the room a little chilly so pressing against your partner will be a must to keep warm, and I don’t mean cold enough to rip through the sheets with your nipples, but you get the point.
Going hand-in-hand with setting the mood, start prepping for the deed way, way beforehand. Have a romantic night, go to dinner, take a shower together and watch a corny movie. Little things like this will help you bond with your man/woman and put together the mindset of all things lovey dovey, therefore pushing away all those little voices of judgment in your head. This will also get you in the mood and help you gain trust and intimacy with your partner in crime.
Speaking of focusing on your physical senses, make it a playground for taste, feel, smell and touch in the bedroom, as well as any other freaky stuff you, you little sexy beast, you, may be into. Light an aromatic candle and use lotion to make each other smell awesome; use lubes and oils to massage each other before getting down to it. Maybe you have a favorite pair of sheets that are extra soft/fresh? Make the room a little chilly so pressing against your partner will be a must to keep warm, and I don’t mean cold enough to rip through the sheets with your nipples, but you get the point.
Really feel your partner’s skin against yours, hold each other close enough to feel every inch of their body. Smell is a huge way to get you going, so ask your man/woman to put on some cologne, perfume or musky lotion. You’ll be devouring each other without a second, self-deprecating, judgmental thought in no time.
Spoil yourself a little on the inside to try and feel good on the outside. Relieving stress and making yourself feel good is a perfect way to start feeling less insecure. Something as simple as winding down and taking an aromatic bath or even doing your nails with a different color will help beautify your image of yourself. Buy a hydrating mask and treat your skin to some softness. Treating your body and mind will work in harmony and help get out of your head.
The best way to make peace with what you’re working with is to accept it, truly accept it.
In spite of the fun of accessorizing sexy time with different things, one of the biggest things you can do for your sex life is to build trust with your partner. I am not insinuating that your boyfriend or girlfriend is a douche because you don’t feel like JLO when baring it all, but trusting your partner will play a key role in the way you feel when you’re au naturel around them. Fight your insecurities, and trust that at the end of the day your S.O. chose you. No one is holding him or her at gun point in order to get them into bed with you. Do you see any restraints? Threats being whispered into your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s ear from under the bed? No, so just relax, and work together to build trust amongst each other.
Many of these practices may seem superficial, and in part they are, without partaking in a key little something else. Truth is, you need to face your insecurities head on. Stop thinking that once you change this or tweak that you will be happy with yourself, because this is so very false. The best way to make peace with what you’re working with is to accept it, truly accept it. Simply ignoring it will not make it go away. Speaking from experience, even when ridding yourself of those certain attributes of yours, they will continue to lurk and haunt you unless you come to terms with them.
One must really do a combination of things to truly enjoy sex. Sadly, sometimes we have trouble taking our own advice. It takes time, but a consciousness of avoiding certain blunders is necessary to stop what you are doing wrong. Knowing what not to do is the first step to eliminating the problem. Granted, simply distracting yourself with fancy lube and manly cologne to ignore the problem isn’t going to cut it. Once you have covered trusting your partner and relieving yourself from goddess or godlike expectations of physique, you will truly have fun in bed. Everything else after that is an accessory to make sex more fun.
Scarlet Serrano wants you to relax, and enjoy the ride.