Marcus Yipkey, a third-year undergraduate philosophy major, was caught teaching the Philosophy of Ethics class during week four. According to students, he has lectured since the first day and even proctored a midterm.
According to campus investigators, Yipkey originally attended the lecture to promote a campus organization called Associated Introverts. After his short speech, “[The students] opened their notebooks and stared at me, and I felt trapped,” Yipkey said.
“It was 4:07 and the professor wasn’t there,” he said. “I couldn’t take the silence, so I just started talking.”
According to Christa Kalcut, a second-year student in Philosophy 127, Yipkey started with an anecdote from his childhood.
“He told us about his favorite childhood train set. He said his mom asked him a question that changed his life: ‘If three people were on this train track and you had the choice to kill the three and save everyone on board, or save the three and kill everyone on board, or kill everyone and save the train, what would you do?’”
According to Kalcut, “Professor Yipkey told us to take out our iClickers and decide for ourselves. It was pretty divided, so we had a class discussion about utilitarianism and its ethical implications for society.”
The actual professor, Gale Hawkins, never showed. Hawkins has been rated as a 2 on RateMyProfessor.com for being “flakier than a croissant” and appeared to be in the Virgin Islands during week four, according to investigators who located her through the app Find My Friends.
The teaching assistant reportedly followed Yipkey’s lead and was shocked to find out that he was an undergrad.
Campus officials detained Yipkey in Campbell Hall on charges of impersonating a professor and teaching university courses without the proper credentials. He was tried in court on Feb. 1 and sentenced to two months in Campbell as an unpaid intern.
Miranda O’Mahony is a third-year environmental studies major and a member of Associated Introverts. The club has no meetings on record, but members have been seen passing notes in the library elevator.