Amidst the multitude of students desperate to not be alone this Valentine’s Day, one guy has stumbled upon a miracle that has saved him and several others from such a lonely fate. Ned Riley, a third-year biology major, discovered that his proficiency of speaking with the dead allowed him to be in constant contact with expired relatives and their endless knowledge of navigating the world with dating.
“Performing seances when it isn’t Halloween isn’t great business,” Riley said, “So I figured I would help guide others with their ancestors’ advice on how to get in a relationship just in time for Valentine’s Day.”
While there are certainly differences between the romantic world of then and now, Riley says that his customers come to him after having exhausted every other modern option available. “Great-great Aunt Marge doesn’t understand dating apps,” Riley said, “But her spot-on tips about how to land a guy helped one of my customers get an awesome one-night stand on DP.”
Through the power of seances and incense offerings, Riley is able to speak to the spirits of his own family and others in order to pry out those golden nuggets of wisdom. Riley makes sure to stay on track and focus all his attention on giving his customers a “74 percent success rate” of finding a date within the span of a year.
“Ned helped me communicate with an ancestor that apparently was a pilgrim on the Mayflower.” an anonymous student said, “I didn’t expect them to be of much help, but they actually had some quality advice on which kinds of flowers impress girls the best.”
Riley is quite humbled by the thanks he has received from his numerous student-clients. “I know how hard it can be in the dating pool; I just want to help spread tips to those who need it in order to guarantee that their Valentine’s Day will be a little brighter this year.”
Lauren Jensen sets every pink and red item on fire that she sees in honor of this heartfelt holiday.