Oliver Zuniga / Daily Nexus

Oliver Zuniga / Daily Nexus

Well, it’s that time of the quarter again, kids, and you know what that means! If you are an average student, it probably means you are filled with despair because your mediocre time management skills and lackluster drive have yielded exactly what you didn’t want: a C average. But fear not! With these simple yet effective tips, you can boost your grade in no time! Now you’ll definitely get a stable job straight out of undergrad!

  1. Ask your professor for special treatment. By California law, they have to give it to you.
  2. If they do not immediately grant you special treatment, you have the right to perform a citizen’s arrest.
  3. Cry in front of a mirror to perfect your technique.
  4. Proceed to cry in front of your TA because you know it’ll buy you some extra points, now that you’ve practiced.
  5. Do not sleep. At all. It slows down the brain and prevents further learning.
  6. Drink too much caffeine, and if you’re really desperate, a little alcohol, too. It triggers the memorizing chemicals in the brain, helping you study.
  7. Drop all of your classes. You can’t fail the classes if you’re not in them!
  8. Create a small fire on campus during the time of your final as a diversion: it’ll give you more time on your test!
  9. Steal your professor’s car keys and toss them into the sea.
  10. If you care too much about the environment to toss the car keys into the sea, ransom them for a better grade.
  11. Take your professors dog and ransom that as well. If it doesn’t work out in your favor, at least you have a new furry friend!
  12. Bribery. However you see fit.
  13. Vague, anonymous threats to anyone with influence on your grade may also buy you more study time. It’s just important to remember to not fulfill any of these threats.
  14. Study hard.
  15. Ha-ha! Just kidding.
  16. Run away. You don’t really need to face any of your problems if you don’t want to.
  17. Call your parents. They can fix it for you.
  18. Refuse to take any responsibility. That will actually lower your grade more.
  19. Give your professor illegal drugs so they will like you more and know you’re cool, thus improving your grade!
  20. Pay someone smarter to take the test for you.
  21. Allow the raccoon overlords to take over. They don’t care about grades, only trash.
  22. Enter the void. No testing there!

We hope these tips are helpful and effective. Good luck with finals, Gauchos!

 

Ariana Marmolejo has tried all of these at least once, but she does not guarantee that any of them will work.

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