BREAKING — With rumors circling viciously since syllabus week, multiple reports from exasperated upperclassmen came flooding in late last night to confirm the worst. Though every witness has a different story, the consensus is clear: Professor Asher Fleischmann only curses during lecture to impress the freshmen.
“I just can’t take it anymore,” third-year economics and accounting major Jack Harris said. The introductory history class serves as an easy GE requirement for most students. “I didn’t think I’d have to deal with this,” Harris continued.
Students have claimed that listening to Professor Fleischmann pepper his second-rate retelling of elementary school history with casual F-bombs and “shits” doesn’t make the class any more interesting.
Let it be noted that while the older students are annoyed with Professor Fleischmann’s crude diction, the majority of the freshmen claim that he is their favorite professor and are eager for him to swear even more.
“I think he thinks he’s relating to us. He thinks he’s a cool professor,” undeclared second-year Hailey Martinez said. According to the students who came forward, he typically starts his lecture with a subpar joke, followed by self-deprecating banter to really get the students going. He then proceeds to relentlessly make fun of the historical figures he’s dedicated his life to studying and educating about.
“It was funny the first time,” Martinez added, “but at this point in the quarter, I’m just tired. I’m not even sure what he lectures about.”
Theories as to why Professor Fleischmann does this are numerous and unsettling. Some say impressing the freshmen helps to fuel his ego. Others argue that his ego is already big enough, but it’s the hopeful laughter of the first-years that keep it from deflating. Either way, the world of academia has taken its toll on the professor’s psyche, and he’s reached the point of no return.
“I think he’s just lonely,” said one of the TAs, who asked for their identity to remain private.
During a typical lecture, he reportedly doesn’t just throw out an F-bomb — he works his way up to it. He’ll begin by using the Lord’s name in vain to test the waters, then he’ll work in a “crap” and toss in a “bitch” before really getting to the real deal. He’ll proceed by excessively spewing “shit,” especially when he is particularly passionate about the subject. Then finally, he does it — he drops the coveted F-bomb. He has been quoted as using this moment to say such things as, “Benjamin Franklin? Fuck that guy, seriously,” in addition to “I wouldn’t fuck with John Wilkes Booth, no way.” Both of these lines were met with nervous laughter and excited whispering throughout the audience.
Let it be noted that while the older students are annoyed with Professor Fleischmann’s crude diction, the majority of the freshmen claim that he is their favorite professor and are eager for him to swear even more. While Professor Fleischmann declined to comment, it can be assumed he will not stop cursing anytime soon.
Ariana Marmolejo swears like a pirate, and uses the F-word instead of punctuation when she writes an essay.
Ariana Marmolejo serves as the Nexustentialism Editor and spends her days making bad jokes. She formally requests that any anonymous hate comments instead be sent to her directly via her Instagram @arianamerie.