My own very house sigil!

As excited as I was to start summer break, I quickly realized that there wasn’t as much going on as I had anticipated. With the recent season 6 finale of “Game of Thrones,” I was pretty upset by all the social media statuses that I didn’t understand. That’s when I realized it was finally time for me, Sorority Sally, to climb into the dark hole that is “the Thrones,” as I have effectively nicknamed it. I’m really excited! I could use an easy-to-follow, light, summer binge-watch to keep me entertained! So watch along with me if you haven’t watched it yet, or relive it and watch again, since just this once I’m clearly late to the party.

Just to be perfectly clear, this recap will spoil the first season for you, if you are one of the few people as behind in the times as I am.

Episode 1

courtesy of hbo.com

What the HELL is going on? I honestly got so bored and confused five minutes in, I contemplated if binge-watching this show was worth it. And wow, I’ve barely even seen Jon Snow’s beautiful face and they’re already cutting a guy’s head off. But for real, I would get at best a 3 out of 20 on a Buzzfeed quiz on how well I know these characters — this show really isn’t conducive to introducing characters and plotlines. However, based on how much blood and nudity is in it, I can see why so many guys watch it and don’t find it nerdy.

Episode 2

courtesy of reddit.com/r/gameofthrones

Wow, that Joffrey is a little bitch, huh? Thought he was some decent little kid who was going to just get married off, but NOPE, he’s a whiny, self-righteous tattletale. And how about that ending, too? I think I spent the entire last five minutes of that episode just screaming “No!! Not the dog! Anyone but the dog!!!” Really, how dare they kill that poor little direwolf? I’m so glad Bran woke up after what’s-his-face-incest-brother-sister duo pushed him off that tower/wall thing, now he can rat them out after she pushed for the death of that direwolf. Dog killers deserve all the hell they receive.

Episode 3

courtesy of spinthesunaround.tumblr.com

Poor Bran: first he’s named after a shitty cereal, then he’s pushed off a tower and now he can’t even use his legs? And no memory of it either. Too rough. Aside from his greasy hair, Ned Stark seems to be a pretty good dad, supporting Arya and her tendency toward sharp things. Plus, Arya was pretty creative naming that cute lil’ sword Needle, it makes me wonder what I would name my sword when Jon Snow gives me one too. Other than that, the Night’s Watch looks pretty intense, but nothing else seemed noteworthy. And I still don’t know who the majority of these people are, but hey, I’m getting there.

Episode 4

courtesy of mtv.com

Wow, Daenerys’ brother is ALSO an asshole. What is it with these super blonde guys? First Joffrey, then him? Remind me about them the next time I’m eying some blonde water polo player. Daenerys, on the other hand, is a BOSS BITCH and I’m obsessed with her — she is girl-crush-goals. But where are the dragons!? I was promised cute, baby dragons in season one, and I fully expect one of these episodes to deliver. Enough talk about the dragon eggs, we all know they have to hatch at some point, let’s get to it.

Episode 5

courtesy of techinsider.io

WHY IS THIS SHOW SO BLOODY? It’s difficult to fathom the fact that this is just the start and it will only get bloodier from here. To think that I complain for weeks about (and still have PTSD from) my bike accidents. I honestly think I blocked out this entire episode from overuse of blood, but to recap — some guy cut off a horse’s head, there were some mini-battles in there and someone else stabbed Ned Stark through the leg.

Episode 6

courtesy of gameofthrones.wikia.com

These Starks have really put themselves in a pickle, haven’t they? They have literally pissed off every single member of the oh-so-powerful Lannister family. Jamie fights Ned, Catelyn imprisons Tyrion (who then wins his escape), King Robert (not a Stark, but his actions affect the Stark family) slaps Cersei and then Ned tries to involve their rich daddy? Better yet, it seems that Ned has figured out that demon-spawn Joffrey isn’t technically a Baratheon, but actually a double-whammy incest-ridden Lannister through and through — the product of sibling duo Jamie and Cersei. I swear if it weren’t for all the blood and boobs I would think I was watching “Days of our Lives.” The only thing that got me through that episode was Catelyn Stark’s fur coat — I wonder where she got that, I really wouldn’t mind one for myself. HOWEVER, I will say that that ending with the Khal killing Khaleesi’s brother with the “golden crown” was TOP NOTCH. What a way to go.

Episode 7

When you play the “Game of Thrones,” you win or you die, there is no middle ground — unless the middle ground is in my bed binge-watching this stupid show. Okay, not completely stupid — I guess you could say I’m starting to get into it. So King Robert is dying and now Joffrey wants to take the throne, but as Ned has pointed out, he is clearly not the rightful heir. Again, these confusing bloodlines and mixed up fathers makes me wish we were just in a modern day soap opera so we could take a paternity test and get it over with. Also in the episode, Jon Snow was initiated into what seems like an old-school fraternity in the Night’s Watch — the only big differences are that they have to swear off girls forever and seem to actually have morals. But that oath of honor came right out of the handbook given on the first day of frat boy orientation.

Episode 8

courtesy of manhoodtv.com

Well, shit is gettin’ real, huh? I feel like this is one of those shows where everything builds up to the last couple episodes, with a season finale that really make you scream at your TV/laptop screen “WTF is going on?!” But what I’m really left wondering is why no one ever points out how ugly that guy’s ponytail beard is — seriously, it’s like hair that wraps from his head and detaches, then ties in a weird knot. But honestly, Daenerys just keeps getting cooler in my opinion — she doesn’t take shit from anyone and protects women from captivity. If they kill her, I will be SO pissed. Things are looking pretty bleak for the Stark family, but they’re still rallying their troops so idk we’ll see how it goes.

Episode 9

courtesy of britsunited.blogspot.com

Nooo! Ned Stark! Khal Drogo!! I was actually starting to become a fan of Khal and Khaleesi, but clearly it wasn’t the super couple I was hoping for. This war seems to really be heating up too, and when Ned confessed to the treason he didn’t commit I seriously thought Joffrey was going to let him go at Sansa and Cersei’s urging, but nooooo. I had an inkling that Khal Drogo was doomed to die, no one has that much testosterone and makes it past the first season. HOWEVER, I thought Ned had at least one more season in him, maybe a mid-way through season two death to create drama, if AT ALL. To be honest, it seems like they killed off the main character — like “Gossip Girl” without Chuck! Needless to say, I am shocked and I am NOT HAPPY about it.

Episode 10

courtesy of independent.co.uk

Poor Sansa, finally realizing just how awful Joffrey is — and how gross were those hanging heads on sticks that he made her look at? Makes you miss Ned even more than already. With both the Khal and her baby dead, it seems like things are really about to suck for Khaleesi until … DRAGONS! Couldn’t tell you how happy I am that the dragons are finally there. People really weren’t lying when they said everyone dies in this show, but the dragons really made up for it. The biggest travesty in this episode is that AWFUL haircut Arya was given to escape as a boy. Secretly hoping she was able to grow that out during the off-season before they started filming season two.

Well this has been fun, hasn’t it? Not quite the light, summertime show I’d been hoping for to fill the void that finishing all nine seasons of “One Tree Hill” has left me with. But there were a couple of good moments in the first season, and I have high hopes that this show will get more engaging once I get a better hold on what’s actually going on. Again, sorry to be so late jumping on the “Game of Thrones” bandwagon, but honestly isn’t this the best of both worlds? No one will post any spoilers on social media for ME, and this article won’t produce any spoilers for YOU! I think that’s pretty great. Stay tuned for season two, coming as quickly as I can stomach it.

Sorority Sally from House Gamma Tau (not Lannister, T God) is a communication major at UC Santa Barbara. She wishes “Game of Thrones” had more communication and less fighting.