First-year philosophy major Jeremy Nelson returned home for the summer last weekend, and official reports are showing he is, in fact, terrible now. After finishing a three-page paper and one multiple choice final for a GE class, he had been looking forward to a chance to “decompress” and “escape.” This is his first visit home since leaving for school, and his family and friends have noticed some alarming changes.

After pulling up in front of his parents’ home and failing to parallel park, he slowly sauntered inside, keeping his sunglasses on the entire time.

“He didn’t say anything when he got home,” Karen Nelson, Jeremy’s mother, said. “He just walked in and smirked at everything. It was hard to tell what exactly he was smirking at, because he had his sunglasses on the whole time.”

Before he arrived, Nelson texted all of his high school friends, instructing them to hang out at his house later “like old times.” Once everyone arrived and got settled, he shotgunned an entire Mountain Dew, then immediately informed everyone that he was a democratic socialist.

“I don’t think Jeremy knows what he’s talking about,” said high school pal Brandon Stevens. “He doesn’t know what those words mean.”

Nelson has struggled a lot this past year, but bravely continues to pretend he’s doing better than everyone else. Despite his poor acclimation skills, he has made a name for himself on campus already. He’s been prohibited by the College of Letters & Science from changing his major for the remainder of the year after submitting a record-high seven major-change petitions during Spring Quarter alone. He is also well known for throwing up in the fourth floor bathroom of the library during finals week.

Thanks to three quarters of undergrad, Nelson claims to have learned much on topics ranging from plate tectonics and statistics to Jägermeister, marijuana and having sex all the time. Nelson asserts himself as an expert on the latter, even though he’s never had a girlfriend and smoked half of a joint one time.

“He used to be kind of annoying,” noted his younger sister, Samantha Nelson. “Now he’s really just consistently terrible 100 percent of the time.”

No one knows for sure what caused him to change, but his inflated sense of entitlement and enormous ego are suspected sources of the terribleness.

Within 24 hours of his return, Nelson had already appeared at his former high school to inform current students how great he is. He visited all of his favorite teachers and attempted to share some of his worldly wisdom with their classes. After being ignored for two class periods, he proceeded to stand in the hallways to bully anyone who walked by. He was removed from campus shortly thereafter.

Nelson’s friends and family don’t foresee any changes in his behavior in the near future, but they hope to God he will grow up a little by the end of his sophomore year of college.

 

Ariana Marmolejo is a freshman that is very terrible.

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