The term “roommate” is a funny one. Per the perennial linguistic powerhouse, dictionary.com, it is simply defined as, “a person who is assigned to share or shares a room or apartment with another or others.” I would never question the validity of my favorite online dictionary, but I will go so far as to say that this definition paints an incomplete picture. It’s missing the awkward initial encounter (assuming you haven’t met before), the late nights spent going halfsies on ramen noodles, lifelong Grey’s Anatomy marathons, the eventual restraining orders and everything in between. In other words, it’s missing the undisputed factual statement that roommates are a fucking crapshoot, a shot in the dark, if you will. So, as a favor to the internet-based godsend, dictionary.com, I have compiled a list of any and all roommates you will encounter throughout your stay here on planet Earth.
1.) The Normy aka The Muggle aka Vanilla Personified
This guy is overwhelmingly run-of-the-mill. Literally every single thing about him screams, “I’M BLAND AND TASTELESS,” and you just want to dump him in a bucket of 5-hour Energy and buy him a bright blue Hillary Clinton power suit. Common names for this yawn in a human shell include Bill, Dave, Bob and Dan. Yes, he is white and from the suburbs and probably has his name on one of those new Coke bottles.
2.) The Shy Guy aka Netflix and Hide aka Too Polite To Speak
The Shy Guy is frustrating. It’s obvious that he’s a cool kid, but for the love of all things holy, CAN HE OPEN HIS MOUTH? I might be overstating his shyness, but the ability to carry a long-lasting, two-way conversation is lost on this guy. Every now and again, you’ll get a “How was your day?” or a “Have you seen my pet blue-footed booby?” But that’s only once in a blue-footed moon, my friend. The only people who have cracked the shy code are his parents and his blue-footed booby, who he recently named Eustace. Every night, you see them in the living room discussing politics while taking in the newest episode of “Narcos.”
3.) I.V. Fuckboi aka Mr. Pillage Your Village aka The V-Card Collector
This guy is a big ol’ veiny dick. He claims to have had his way with every woman in the greater Santa Barbara area, including your mother. After calling your mom and confirming that he is a lying liar who lies, you see him in the kitchen doing creatine body shots with his pledge master. This is nothing out of the ordinary, so you retire to your quarters and contemplate how you got stuck with the royal ambassador of Douchelandia in the first place. He won’t stop flexing and stopped buying shirts weeks ago; it’s actually unfathomable how often he goes to the gym. If it wasn’t for his frat’s test bank, he would have a negative GPA. Lastly, his Spotify playlist consists of Steve Aoki’s greatest hits and Darude’s “Sandstorm” (Extended Tropical Trap Rework 2k15).
Your foreign roommate is an absolute gift and an outright curse. When you first lay eyes on him, you can’t help but notice how gorgeous he is and how happy he seems. His positive vibes permeate the atmosphere and you suddenly feel as though you’re on island time. Depending on his ethnicity, his name can range from Sved to Rico, but one thing remains the same: He has come to pursue the American Dream. He tells you this with such overwhelming passion that you too want to pursue the illusive Dream of America. He then treats you to a nice charcuterie spread and a carafe filled with golden brown espresso as you overlook the coastline in your newly renovated tree house that he hand built in a day. However, this man is as damaging as he is enriching. He knows no sleep schedule, so unless you have a foolproof way of avoiding his late night antics, you’re in for some hardcore insomnia. He is also always with his fellow foreigners, so your apartment doubles as a must-see landmark for his friends and family (this includes his extended family, which currently hovers around 470 members).
5.) Great Guy aka Renaissance Man aka Justin Timberlake
He’s your role model. ‘Nuff said.
6.) The 4.0
The 4.0 is a math and physics double major stoked on med school. He’s made study guides for classes he hasn’t even taken yet, plans to graduate in three years and is in the running for both the Pulitzer Prize and Nobel Prize. Realizing that you’re competition, he refuses to help you with your studies, but little does he know just being in the same room makes you feel smarter. He’s painfully unattractive and is not concerned with hygiene, but will definitely be your boss’s boss in the near future.
7.) The Philo Major aka Fluoride in the Water Supply
This guy is an enigma to say the least. He doesn’t stay in the house for long stretches of time, but when you do see him, he’s smoking on a spliff and spewing pedantic nonsense about Freud and his connection with the polar ice caps. He dresses like an American Apparel mannequin and only eats lentils out of mason jars. His favorite musical artists are Jaden Smith and Jaden Smith’s Twitter.