Whiskey on the Rocks
Picture this: you’re at a party, and alc — or any liquid for that matter — is scarce. Your choices include jungle juice that may or may not (but most likely does) contain cough syrup in a Solo cup that’s passed hands twice, or the stash of mid-priced whiskey that you’re not supposed to know about. Do you risk mono to chase back the fire-water otherwise known as Jack Daniels? If you’re sober enough to want a chase, you’re probably smart enough to search for anything other than that already-nauseating cup’o germs. Pour a splash of that room-temp JD over two ice cubes. By the time you collect all of your drinking buddies around that liquor-sticky counter and everyone who wants to has made a toast, your ice-cold concoction of whiskey and water will be more soothing than a glass of lemonade in the middle of August.
This one’s kinda obvi, but for all of those freshman moving into I.V. in the coming months, where the possibility of having beer in the fridge becomes much more probable than soda from the vending machine on the first floor of the dorm, this may change your life. I’ll admit, it might change your life for the worse, but you can handle it for now. While your liver is still young, crack open a Rolling Rock to follow that shot. I won’t say that it tastes good, but the moss-mouth that follows a sip of cheap lager will quickly make you forget how bad shots of vodka can be, if the blackout doesn’t first.
Rather than passing a baton or a torch at the end of the school year, former Nexus editors didn’t really pass anything. Instead, they got two bottles of tequila, our outgoing and incoming editors, cheered and handle-pulled. The longer the better, of course — the newbie had to prove their worth, and the old saggy graduate had to prove that they could still be a big dog. At the end of the quasi-mating competition, where the job is the female in heat, both chomped down on an Oreo. According to former Nexite Nader Heidari, “It’s actually pretty good.” He also claims that “the sweetness of the Oreo counteracts the harshness of the Tequila,” but don’t take his word for it and try it during your next pre-game. WARNING: Overconsumption of alcohol and Oreos may result in uncontrollable, demon-like, black vomit, so use some self-control and only eat one cookie.
Sounds weird. Tries it. This is fucking great. For those who already enjoy hot sauce (or Absolut Pepper for that matter), this is the chase for you. And you’re in luck! Hot sauce can be found in almost all I.V. kitchens. If there are any consistent items on a college student’s grocery list, they include Top Ramen, Eggs, Ben & Jerry’s and hot sauce. Should you find a crusty bottle of Tapatio nestled in the fridge with a 30-rack, life isn’t bad: just add some Jack and you have what’s called a Border Shot. But if you find a plastic bottle of Sriracha, you’re in the clear. Squeeze that chili paste onto your finger like a tube of Oral-B and get ready to scrub your mouth with a deconstructed Bloody Mary. Four out of five alcohol enthusiasts recommend. Results may vary.
When given the option of One-a-Day horse pills or an orange-flavored Fred Flintstone, nobody’s going to bite the bit. No need to lie about it, we all know that gummy vitamins are still the bomb. And if you’re swigging from a flask in the upstairs bathroom, you might as well find out what’s in the medicine cabinet. Nevermind. The Nexus does not condone digging around in the private belongings of strangers, but if those gummies are on the counter, and if they’re already open, dig in. Granted, Simone Dupuy claims that gummies are only “okay” as chasers. “They take too long to chew, but they’re very sweet and you feel like you’re counteracting the poison you just put in your body. They’re the illusion of health.”
Mustard. You either love it, or you hate it. And let’s be real, the same goes for shots. So if you hate shots and love the yellow condiment, go for gold. According to Alex Bocknek, “Mustard rids your mouth of the vodka taste, but the ethanol fumes still burn the back of your throat. Also, you get mustard seeds stuck in your teeth.” If the need for a loyal friend to check the cleanliness of your chompers isn’t a deterrent, he continues, “nobody is gonna kiss you later.” But hey, if your game isn’t that important to you, get your Dijon on.
Pickle-backs have been a thing for a while, but think about all of the things in this world that are pickled. If sour citrus and salt works for tequila shots, why not use simultaneously sour and salty glory that is edible items fermented in brine. There’s genuine dill, Banana peppers, southern-style chow-chow, eggs, herring, olives, sauerkraut, kimchi and underground Icelandic shark. The duo from “Portlandia” even tried to pickle CDs. We understand if you can’t stomach ammonium-rich hárkarl or shiny polycarbonate, but at least give that jar of kimchi a try.
Now let’s get real. Shots can seem like a backhand right to the cheek, or even an open palm to the lower cheek, depending who you ask. So if you’re trying to get a little hardcore with that soggy Dixie cup, appoint a Slap-Shot Commissioner. Assign a Slapee, and if it’s just you and a bud, you can help each other get your slaps off. The sweet, sweet sting assaulting your face might be just enough to distract you from the plastic-bottled atrocity currently destroying your esophagus.
That’s right. You’re a man’s man or a woman’s woman or a genderless badass. You don’t need something to curb the bristling burn of a shot. In fact, you like that tingly feeling and you definitely like when other people remark on how gnarly you are. You drink straight whiskey in sips. You’re the type of drinker most likely to actually try chasing with whiskey on the rocks. Kraken? That’s like baby formula for you. C’Mo 151? Light it on fire first. Absinthe? You don’t even like the taste of licorice, but bring it on! Even 90-proof Everclear — basically hand sanitizer — you will drink anything, and for that, we salute you.
- Ringpops, cuz that jewel-shaped hand-candy is already on your shot hand.
- If you’re patient enough to suck this sweet, sweet nectar, Capri Sun is basically sugar water, and who doesn’t love high-fructose corn syrup? If you aren’t down to go full hummingbird, substitute any other “juice” drink with a larger straw.
- Your parents tears, whether they stem from utter disappointment or joyful pride.