We have reached the time of year where the finals sluggishness sets in and the only thing that is on your mind are those SBMenu deals. If a coffee-induced haze doesn’t help you cram the night before your 8 a.m. final, I don’t know what will. Some of us are the lucky ones, skating by with a solid C+, still able to redeem ourselves. Others are not so lucky and have found their way right into the loving arms of academic probation, or worse, the library. Don’t worry, you can use those extra Scantrons tucked in the bowels of your backpack to wipe away your tears.
I encourage you all to raise your glasses for our fallen comrades who may have paid Netflix more attention than their lecture slides. But who am I to judge; it happens to the best of us. Just in case you are considering dropping out after discovering your final grade, here are some possible professions for different majors that will lead you down the real path of success.
Everyone knows that chemistry is a challenging major. Maybe it’s the distracting attractiveness of Professor Price that contributes to the lack of attention given to that Bunsen burner of yours, or the lack of understanding of anything scarcely related to an atom. The only Atom I know sits next to me in section on Tuesdays. But have no fear: If chem just doesn’t seem to work out for one reason or another, there is always a different kind of chemistry that you can work towards. What better way to advance your chemistry knowledge than to become a walking/talking Tinder account. That’s right. You can become the love guru of all love gurus by matching up your fellow Isla Vistans on a late Friday night. Considering the hoards of kids aimlessly strolling DP in search of their one-night soulmate, the job shouldn’t be too difficult.
As a current comm major myself, I understand how Dolly’s tricky multiple choice questions may make you want to rip out every single hair on your body. And if the hours of endless memorizing didn’t help prepare you, well, you may be screwed. But if you are forced to drop out, don’t worry, you can still become a
A. Tumblr blogger
B. Reddit enthusiast
C. Vine star
D. A and C
E. all of the above
Why study the theory of evolution when you can simply study the week in which God made the universe. That’s right, if all else fails for you bio majors, the seminary is still calling your name. Becoming a priest does have its perks, you know. Think of it this way: You get free bread and wine, people come to you constantly asking you to bless them (you are basically a celebrity), and you get to wear a kickass robe that changes colors depending on the season. And once you enter into the priesthood, or become a nun (ladies, where you at), please remember to say a prayer for all the basics, so that they may one day be less basic.
Everyone knows that an econ major must have some interest in numbers, or enjoy torturing themself with the dullness of accounting. But considering it is one of the most impacted majors at our school, most find themselves questioning their major choice and maybe even the meaning of life. Not to worry, if things don’t work out you can always go into the franchise business. Better yet, own your own Starbucks. Think about it, free Pumpkin Spiced Lattes whenever your little heart desires and you can put your new but short-lived economics skills to play by running your own business. Viva la capitalism!
Math and Theater Majors
I paired these two up together because they could very well help each other out.
Step 1: Get a nice group of boys and girls together — some who can act and some who are very good at math.
Step 2: Learn how to count cards.
Step 3: Grab that leftover money stowed away in your savings account from your summer job and buy a plane ticket to Vegas.
Step 4: Make billions of dollars in casinos playing blackjack.
Step 5: Use your newfound fortune to pay off every student’s tuition at UCSB.
Step 6: Have your name go down in history and be forever loved by every student here.
Step 7: No really, can someone do that?
You are shit out of luck.