Dear college admissions staff,

I am a current high school student that needs to pursue a college education in order to follow the status quo and not be ridiculed by the rest of my peers. Although I have no idea what I want to do with my life, I will still make my parents pay $30,000 a year to attend your school. I will spend my days partying instead of studying and get by with a C average. Your school offers everything I wanted and more (aka the parties are rad and the school is in a prime location). Without further explanation, here is why I think you should let me into your school.

All my life I just wanted to attend an elitist school, or at least a respectable party school. I call myself a first generation college student even though both of my parents hold Bachelors degrees. I mean, they went to college after they immigrated here, so I’m technically a first generation.

Being a “first generation” that must mean my family has had some troubles in the past. One time, my mom was between jobs. And although she did end up finding one, I’m going to exaggerate this story and say that I needed to step up and help my mother raise the family. I always helped out around the house and I practically raised my younger siblings. This must show you that I am caring, responsible and a leader. What other qualities do you want?

Additionally, when I was fourteen, I went on a vacation to an underdeveloped Southeast Asian country. We stayed in a beautiful five star resort. On the last day, we stopped by an orphanage and volunteered there for about an hour. I totally saved those children, and without me, they probably would have ended up in the streets. I’m such a hero. And because of this, I’m a well-travelled and cultured individual.

Soon after that trip to Asia, my family moved towns due to my parents’ jobs. In this new town, I attended the number one school in the state. At this school, I maintained very high grades by cheating and working the system. I took every AP class offered, just like everyone else and that’s how we all passed. Teamwork! I also took advantage of everything high school offered and became a prominent member of the student body. Basically, I was a part of almost every club but put in very little effort. Hey, at least the people recognized me and I became a familiar face.

One time, I worked a school event, but let’s just pretend that I organized it. I had to do so much planning and so many things went wrong. I could’ve totally bailed on the whole thing but my true driven and motivated nature prevented me from doing so. I went through with the plan and it turned out to be one of the best events the school has ever experienced, all thanks to me. (I’m really stretching to make this sound like I am really committed.)

And let’s not forget to add the section of this essay that talks about who I look up to and aspire to be. I could say my dad or grandpa or something, but I’d rather take this one experience I had and play it up.

Whilst walking home one day through a park, I sat down and a homeless man came up to me. He told me about his struggles. The man had dropped out of high school, been rejected by his parents and gotten involved with the wrong friends. He eventually ended up on the streets. However, just recently, he had a stroke of luck and found a family that would take him in until he found suitable work and was able to get back on his feet. This was just an inspiring story, and it taught me to never give up.

I never talked to this guy again, but his story was so amazing, because of the fact that I could put it in this essay. Hopefully this makes me stand out amongst all of the other kids that have perfect SAT scores, the piano prodigies that are on track to become famous or the applicants who have had people die in their arms. So please, admissions committee, accept me into your school. The party scene will totally benefit my life and my other high school peers will be envious. Besides, don’t you need an elitist like me? My parents will make fat donations to this school, and so will I later on.

Fingers crossed!

A hopeful applicant.

Sound familiar? Maybe this was you.

This was Ben Nguyen’s actual college essay to Stanford. Now he’s at UCSB.

The views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are submitted primarily by students.