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Opinion >> Wednesday Hump

Sam Soothes Your Sexual Strife And Heals Your Humping Heartaches



My girlfriend and I are each going home to our respective parts of the country in two weeks and I’m not sure if I wanna stay with her or go for the hometown ladies. What do I do?
You are certainly not alone in this conundrum; this is a tale as old as Sam hirself. The thing you really need to ponder is whether or not she is someone you want to have a future with. If her company for nine months of the year is worth the sacrifice of loneliness for the rest, then stay with her. If you think you’re going to want to meet up with your random ex from high school who went away and got really hot, then go ahead and say adiós to the lady here. It really comes down to a question of intent: Are you in it for the sex or the company? If you answer sex, break it off. Company, try to keep it up.

My boyfriend will not stop staring me directly in the eyes while we have sex. I think he thinks it’s romantic, but it’s really just creeping me out. How can I get him to stop without hurting his feelings?
Pepper spray him directly in the corneas, he won’t stare at anything for weeks. Sam hopes that you know that is a joke because that’s three to five years in jail, otherwise … most definitely assault. Really, you can try closing your eyes out of “sheer ecstasy” instead of looking back at him. Or you could suggest that you turn all the lights off so he can stare away at the black abyss while you’re none the wiser. Yet another option, hug him close so he couldn’t look at you even if he wanted to. Otherwise, try to think about why that makes you so uncomfortable to 1) be stared at 2) to confront him about it. If you have trouble being intimate with him, maybe it’s time to get up and roll out.

I think my girlfriend read some story about how guys like to have a finger put up their butts when they’re getting head … First of all, wrong. Second of all, she’s really self-conscious so is there some clever way I can get her to stop trying to do that?
Clench your cheeks! That will make it very difficult for her to place anything up there against your will. Either that or you can take the logical approach and tell her that the finger method does not work for you. If you really don’t want to talk to her and her fingers are determined to break your clench, you can always try to sit down when she wants to go down on you, thus blocking your butthole entirely.

So this girl I’ve been hooking up with has a giant Ryan Gosling poster hanging over her bed and every time we go at it I feel him looking directly into my soul and judging my less-than-perfect hair. I’m almost certain she would pick the poster over me, so I can’t ask her to take it down. Do you know of any sex moves that might endanger said poster?
The “Freddie Mercury” is a classically dangerous sex position for any and all posters, Ryan Gosling ones included. This position necessitates that the giver be backed up against the wall in a celebratory single “fist pump” position, while the receiver bends over in front, either bent over to the floor or grabbing a chair of some sort. This will give you the perfect time to secretly reach back with your fist-pumping hand and rip off Gosling’s beautifully judgmental face. Chances are she will be extremely sad, thus ruining the moment, but your mission will be complete. Bear in mind, however, that there are approximately one billion posters / pictures of Ryan Gosling that can be hung upon walls of all sorts. Your victory will be short-lived, my friend. Short-lived, indeed.

I wanna liven things up in the bedroom. What’s the best toy I can get for a reasonable price?
For a college student tryna ball on a budget, Sam recommends a vibrating cock ring. They’re cheap (although, go too cheap and the battery might die on you mid-hump) and it will add a bang to both of your … bangs. If you’re really, really on a budget, pull a 50 Shades and head to Home Depot … you’ll be surprised by how much spicier things will get when a piece of rope is involved.

Everyone keeps telling me I can’t graduate without having sex on the beach, but that sounds miserable! And the alternative, the library, sounds just as bad. Am I being a wuss or is everyone else just hyping this up because it sounds exciting?
First of all, it is a known fact that the UCSB deans will simply refuse to give you your diploma if you haven’t had sex in one of these two places. Trust me, it’s in the UCSB handbook. But checking this off your bucket list shouldn’t feel like a chore; both the beach and the library can be bliss. The key to sex on the beach is simply to bring a towel; sans towel, you’ll get cold sand and tar in places where you ain’t never had tar before. Then again, the best way to take off tar is baby oil … which could make for a kinky round two when you get back to your place. For the library, since we don’t have a classic shady “stacks,” time is going to be your biggest enemy. It all hinges on you wearing quickie-specific clothing; unfortunately, guys on guys are going to have the hardest time with this, but it’s possible. Of course, you could always cheat and use the listening rooms in the music library … still counts in Sam’s book. So make sure you hit the library before you slip on that cap and gown (which, by the way, serves as a perfect uniform for an easy-access, pre-ceremony quickie … you’re welcome).

Last weekend I saw my first uncircumcised penis. It kind of freaked me out at first, so I was just wondering if this is like a common thing or if he was just an anomaly.
In the ’70s, two-thirds of boys born in the U.S. were circumcised, but the rate has been steadily dropping since then, now hovering at around 57 percent. All I’m saying is that you’re more likely than not going to encounter more uncircumcised penises in the future, so calm down. Go with what your momma taught you and don’t judge a book by its cover. The only time when you’ll notice a difference is during a blowjob, but relax; just pull the foreskin back if you don’t want to deal with it, no big deal. Even better, use your hands to incorporate that hood.

I really like this guy I’ve been dating, but he keeps tearing my neck up with hickeys every time we hook up and I can’t wear scarves in this heat! He says it turns him on, but I’m the one who has to deal with the consequences. How do I go about this?
You could be a champ and just get your makeup game strong (guys can wear foundation too, yo), but Sam understands that this can get exhausting. Just use your words; compromise by telling him that you love when he kisses your neck, but softer kisses actually turn you on more. If he still won’t learn, just return the favor until he understands what it’s like to constantly look like an extra on the “Walking Dead.”
Sam the Oracle stays clenched. Always.

A version of this article appeared in the Wednesday, May 21, 2014 print edition of the Daily Nexus.

Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are submitted primarily by students.

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