Opinion / Wednesday Hump

The Final Countdown: Sexin’ as a Senior

I don’t know if anyone’s noticed, but it’s hotter than hell outside, and you know what that means: Summer is coming. Time for us to experience the simple pleasure of weekend rafting, the horror of taking midterms with a nose full of B.O. and that exciting feeling of having next to nothing left to lose.

My fellow seniors undoubtedly feel me on another level. Whether you’re sticking around and living downtown next year, moving back home so you can mooch off your parents while you study for the LSATs, or fleeing to some South Asian country to teach English, come June, we’ll essentially be free of our attachments here at UCSB. That’s why I’m urging all of you to make the most of the next 1.5 months. And this is the “Wednesday Hump,” so you know what I mean … Yep, slap a Chinese fortune cookie-style ending on that last statement because I’m talking about making the most of your remaining time … in bed.

Here are a few things that you can only pull off as a graduating senior; I encourage you to shamelessly try them all.

 

1. Finally hooking up in that spot you’ve always wanted to hook up in

You all know the standard spots: Davidson, top of HSSB, Campus Point, etc. But in your last few weeks, the more public, the better. What are you worried about … getting caught? If you’ve been good for the past four years, you’re gonna graduate, so do less worrying and more exploring. You can also make it more personalized; if you have an office (on or off-campus), go for it. If you have a particular South Hall room that you like to study in, go for it. Hell, if you have a single, go for it, and do it in honor of the thousands that will spend the next year or two shacking up with no one but good ol‘ Mom and Dad (God forbid, they learn about shacker calling).

 

2. Actually owning a Walk of Shame.

The “Hump” has been harping on about this since the beginning of time, but it takes real courage ⎯ or at least real senioritis ⎯ to truly do the Walk of Shame with a whole lot of pride. Instead of slinking home, grab the bull by the horns and head straight to Blenders or Bagel Caf, where you’re sure to run into your acquaintances. Pay for your breakfast with money that you procure from deep within your bra. Lounge outside, soak up the sun and humble brag to anyone you encounter. And if you’ve never had the opportunity to take a Walk of Shame, well then …

 

3. Having a one-night stand.

That guy flirting with you all night at OTT? The girl dancing up on you at EOS? Chances are, they’re just as much in that “end-of-the-year” mindset as you are, so be bold and make the first move. It’s as easy as, “Wanna split an Uber back to I.V.?” Seriously. But from there on out, it’s all on you.

4. Hitting up your ex.

You’ve undoubtedly spent the past few years trying to avoid the first person you ever hooked up with at UCSB at all costs. But now, for nostalgia’s sake, take a dive deep into your phone’s contact list and explore the ghosts of hookups past. Shamelessly booty call that one who wronged you, or that one you dumped in a spectacular fashion. Don’t hesitate to blame everything on senioritis: If your attempt falls flat on its face? Senioritis. If it works, but then your friends ask what the hell you were thinking? Senioritis. Just make sure you’re down to hit it and quit it. If you slip back into old habits, you proved that you’ve learned nothing in your time here, and I will personally show up at your house to rip up your diploma.

 

5. Ending that weird relationship that’s been going on for way too long.

Honey, you are a grown-ass woman/man now. You are about to enter what people on the street are calling “the real world.” Isn’t it about time you started loving yourself? If you wake up one day in the next six weeks and realize that you are wasting your time in your current situation, you can just get the fuck out without fear of awkward run-ins or division of friends. Or better yet, use them one last time so that you can check #1 off of your list … and then kick ’em to the curb.

 

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