Opinion / Wednesday Hump

Sex Bloopers: A Collection of Anonymous Misfortunes

I’m riding him reverse cowgirl style, and I suddenly hear a little “plop-plup” sound of air popping out from a hole. Turns out my man farted, and the scent of his deadly sin wafts up into the air and sears my nostrils. God. I can tell you that right then and there, my pussy went from a wet oasis to a dried out desert.

The lights are off, the ambience steamy and sensual. We’re makin’ love missionary, and he’s in a generous mood so he says, “Let me eat you out, baby. Come on, let me do it.” He pulls out and starts to finger me, huskily continuing to offer his oral services. To accentuate his point, he takes his finger out and teases, “I can taste you like this by licking my finger, but I’d rather use my tongue to play with your clit.” I egg him on, so he sticks his finger in his mouth and does one taste — suddenly his face contorts and he looks like he’s about to gag. Yea, what can I say? A period hits when a period hits.

One time, I was over at my then-boyfriend’s hometown dwelling. We thought nobody was going to be home for at least two hours, so we started going at it with enthusiasm. However, we did not hear the door knob jiggle, and lo and behold, his parents caught us tangled up naked in the sheets. Oops.

Queefing. Just shitloads of queefing.

During my senior year of high school, I ran into this guy at church, after not seeing him since middle school. We started texting regularly and I was really attracted his “badass” hair and snakebites, for reasons I do not know. I ended up going to his house after school one day to hook up. I wasn’t down to have sex, so he put in “Avatar” and I gave him a blow job. His mom got home after that and he didn’t want to risk getting caught, so he seriously made me climb out of his bedroom window (which was on the second floor). After getting out of the window and climbing on to the ledge above the garage, I discovered how high up I actually was, and being only five feet tall, I definitely freaked out a little. I do not know how I actually succeeded getting back on the ground, but I scratched up my hands pretty badly on the way and never talked to him again. I have not been able to watch “Avatar” since.

This guy I had a fling with freshman and sophomore year came by one night. I had a twin-sized bunk bed that was dangerously close to the ceiling and even more dangerously squeaky — not an ideal hook-up spot in a house with thin walls and a lot of housemates. Next to the lofted squeak was my desk chair, a little wooden seat that I had studied in since my preteen years. Despite its nearly antique build, we decided to get bare on my chair. He sat down facing me, and I eased down on top of him to sit facing him. The second we started thrusting, however, one of the legs on the chair popped out from under us and we went toppling over, hitting the ground hard and laughing even harder. We ended up just going at it on the floor and he even screwed the chair leg back into its nook after he finished screwing a different nook. The chair is still standing to this day, but it hasn’t seen any action since that night.

I felt pretty bad about sexiling this guy’s roommate … until I woke up the next morning to him … in his bed across the room … staring directly into my eyes. Unsettling, to say the least.

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I thought it would be romantic to take a bath together. We had the bubbles, candles and steamy water drawn and the mood was set. We stripped down and he slipped into the tub first. I slinked over and put my feet on either side of his reclined body, facing toward him and away from the shower head and bath faucet. As I tried to sexily dip down on top of him and was nearly in a squat position, I saw a smirk cross his face and felt a cold, sharp pang in my butt, sending me leaping up in cries and screams. The bath faucet knob had oh-so-perfectly aligned itself to nearly pop my anal virginity, and my boyfriend — who didn’t warn me in the seconds before it happened — thought it was hilarious. Needless to say, he bathed alone that night.

My life is a sex blooper…

I had been hooking up with this girl, and we went around back at this party so we could have a bit of fun. She started giving me a handjob and, suffice to say, the pain was excruciating. So bad, in fact that I had to break things off with her later that night… I don’t really feel all that bad about it, though, because now she’s a model and significantly more attractive than me.

A couple months ago, while engaging in vigorous coitus with my femme fatale, I was struck with the sudden, insatiable desire to finger m’girl’s pooper. Being the suave gentleman that I am I couldn’t just shove it in of course, so I set about caressing the back of her thigh with my index finger and going in for the kill several moments before she climaxed. Upon entering her I was immediately greeted with the stench and texture of human shit. Unsuprising, if you take a moment to think about it. But what happened next was almost indescribable. Instead of plugging the proverbial leak in the dyke (no pun intended), my anal expedition managed to be the straw that broke the camel’s back and from her poured a massive, massive shit that covered my whole arm. Screaming wildly, I disentangled myself from her and the mountain of feces and ran into the bathroom to flush my arm in the toilet while my femme fatale just sat there screaming. Now every time I have the sex (we have since separated), I get the smallest whiff of flatulence and the fucking is such stanky sorrow.

The day after I broke up with my ex, we met up for “closure” a.k.a. break-up sex. Distracted by the situation at hand, I ignored my phone for several hours. My nosy best friend, worried about my emotional state post-breakup, went looking for me everywhere — including my ex’s apartment. She walked in on us mid-act. Busted. Always make sure you lock the doors before you have secret sex with an ex.

The last girl I was with thought that I was really into having my earlobes sucked, so one night she gave me the “special treatment” and went at it for well over 20 minutes. It started to hurt after about the first five, but she just kept right on going, sucking harder and harder. I just didn’t have the heart to tell her that my earlobes were about one suck away from exploding. The next day they swelled up to about double their original size and, after a couple of days, they started peeling because they had been so inflated.

I woke up one morning after a friend’s party to this girl who I had hooked up with a couple times grinding on me. She had a boyfriend and we had extensively discussed that we could not hook up anymore so long as she was taken, but she felt that grinding her vag on me was A-Ok, as long as she didn’t kiss me. I pretended to be asleep throughout pretty much the whole thing, so I basically laid there with a boner (I’m only human) pretending to be unresponsive for at least 15 minutes while she just went at it. I still don’t know if she thought I was actually asleep or just so overcome with bliss that I couldn’t even open my eyes.

I was in a photobooth with some girl at a party and we started to get into it when another girl came up and opened the curtain. Apparently the girl I was with had a problem with this other girl, because she immediately punched her out and casually sat back down. I have never been more terrified to hook up with anybody, but what choice did I have? The girl had a mean right hook…

This is a collection of anonymous stories.

A version of this article appeared in the Wednesday, April 16, 2014 print edition of the Daily Nexus.
 Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are submitted primarily by students.
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