UC President Janet Napolitano announced yesterday that she would be holding a one-person strike protesting various student behaviors from now until the end of her term, whenever she decides that is.
Napolitano’s announcement came as a response to a record-high number of applications to UC schools during the fall 2013 application season, when over 4 million prospective students applied. The UC has seen drastic increases in the number of applications in recent years, an average of 500 percent annually since 2010, mostly due to former UC President Mark Yudof’s effort to provide free beer to all incoming UC students regardless of age.
Napolitano has been UC President since September 2013 and was immediately greeted with protests from students concerning her fitness for the office, particularly given her lack of previous academic experience. Napolitano said the students at UC schools were a significant problem and their very presence gave her the idea for the strike.
“Students are a huge problem for this institution,” Napolitano said from the roof the UC headquarters in Oakland. “They are loud, disruptive, expensive and they do a lot of dumb shit. They hold this sacred temple of higher learning back from achieving its goals as the premier public university system in the world.”
Napolitano said she plans to remain on the roof of the UC headquarters day and night until students remove themselves from all 10 campuses and medical centers forever. The embattled academic administrator has refused to come down from the roof and was seen throwing various items from her office off the building in a lengthy tirade about students while yelling “Student-Free UC!”
Among the items hurled from the building were her desk, a 400-pound stuffed panda bear, a half-eaten Subway sandwich and several students from UC Berkeley who were waging a counter-protest in the immediate area. Her desk and the sandwich both struck vehicles passing the building, resulting in major injuries to the drivers, but the bear was caught safely and returned to an appropriate location.
Napolitano was also seen prowling the campus of UC Riverside on Monday, reportedly shoo-ing students off of the campus using a broom and a megaphone and looking in classrooms to make sure students were not there. Ann Oying, a second-year sociology major, said she agreed with Napolitano’s position on removing students from the UC system.
“I think she has great ideas, students at UC suck!” Oying said. “Students here don’t do anything but homework and pass their classes. I mean at that point I don’t even know why this school exists.”
According to Bull S. Hitt, a UCOP spokesman, the UC Office of the President is considering Napolitano’s suggestions and will issue a statement in the coming weeks.
“We are intrigued by the president’s idea and we want the UC to remain the most innovative institution of higher learning there is, I think her proposal has merit,” Hitt said. “We’ve received a lot of complaints from students about each other. I think the biggest question here is: Are they really necessary?”
Upon being posed Hitt’s question, the entire faculty of the UCSB Philosophy Dept. met in some esoteric hipster coffee shop in Isla Vista to ponder their own existence.
Maryjay Bong, a second-year history of consciousness major at UC Santa Cruz seemed unphased by Napolitano’s efforts to remove students from the Monterey Bay campus.
“I mean it’s chill I guess, but she seemed pretty pissed and stuff,” Bong said. “You know I guess it sucks, this place has hella choice herb but I dunno anything about the classes or whatever.”
This story is a Daily Nexus online exclusive.