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IV Foot Patrol To Battle Crime with Lead and Iron

In response to the recent increase in violent crimes, the Isla Vista Foot Patrol has been coordinating with the UCSB Engineering Department on a secret project titled Robot Cop Model IV-69DP.

The project was completed over Spring Break and the experimental RoboCop IVFP agent will debut on the streets of Isla Vista today.

Jorge Padilla, an electric engineering graduate student and teaching assistant who worked on the project, said his team worked tirelessly on the project over the last week.

“While the rest of the spoiled-ass student population was enjoying their spring break at Cancun and Vegas, we were here doing something productive for the community,” he said.

According to Padilla, the Model IV-69DP, whose supercomputer brain is powered by an Intel Core i7 processor, is able to analyze crime scenes and investigate suspects faster than the entire National Security Agency.

“I also fitted him with dual DC-15C blaster rifle, the Patriot 7 Laser Vulcan Cannon, built-in M72 Wrist Rocket Grenade Launchers and about a hundred other different weapon systems the CIA could only dream of. He could whoop Iron Man’s ass,” Padilla said.

However, Padilla said despite RoboCop’s advanced weapon systems, one of his primary directives is to never harm UCSB students. Should a UCSB student commit or attempt to commit a violent crime, RoboCop will use nonlethal and painless methods to subdue them.

“That thing’s also got tranquilizer darts, like the one you see in the third Batman. RoboCop will never harm a UCSB student. He is programmed to handle only the most violent crimes and could care less if UCSB students want to drink or party. He’d only mind if you refuse to share your booze, should he be around,” Padilla said.

Sam Fetter, a fourth-year financial math and statistics major who helped fund the RoboCop program with his numerous lottery winnings, said he could not wait to see RoboCop in action.

“It’s just totally badass when this machine fucks shit up … uh, I mean when the collaborative efforts of UCSB’s best minds come to fruition at making Isla Vista safer for students,” Fetter said.

Although RoboCop, who was immediately christened an IVFP Lieutenant, is a cyborg with few words, he was happy to take questions from the press.

“I am here to serve and protect the students of UCSB,” RoboCop IV-69DP said. “Those who harm them, dead or alive, are coming with me.”

 

This story is a Daily Nexus online exclusive.

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