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Your Valentine’s Day Treat – A Belated “Hump”



Hey there, Humplings! Today’s Hump comes to you from the SexInfoOnline Sexperts! We operate a comprehensive sex-education website in conjunction with Professors Janice and John Baldwin. Bringing back fond memories of Soc 152A? We’ve got a few pop quizzes for you today, and because we’ve never done anything like this before, do us the honor of popping our “Hump” cherries by taking a stab at ‘em! Take the quiz that best applies to you so you can plan an awesome Valentine’s Day and earn yourself a bit of our official SexInfo Sexual Prestige. Good luck!

 

What You Should Do While Single on Valentine’s Day:

For each statement below, use this 0-4 scale to write down well each statement applies to you. Then, count up your total and compare it with the boxes below for your answer.

[0] That’s Not How I Roll  [1] Nah  [2] Meh  [3] Yeah  [4] You Complete Me

1) Sometimes I just like to cuddle.

2) I think about the future a lot (not just about the future rise of the sex-borgs, but yeah that too).

3) I can’t hear the word “deep” without thinking “conversations.”

4) Nicholas Sparks movies are pandering and unrealistic. I know this because I’ve watched all of them.

5) When I have a partner, I like to passionately fling all the papers off my desk, go into the bedroom and have sex.

6) I can listen to Adele without experiencing too much irony.

7) I believe that to discover myself, I need to discover other people. These discoveries include, but are not limited to, their genitalia.

 

0-9

10-17

18-24

25-28

You don’t have time for the silly and sentimental — you’ve got goals. Maybe you’re working on a brilliant career, a thundering manifesto or a legacy of glorious partying. Laugh at Cupid’s stupid baby face while you hook up (responsibly) with a fellow badass, or stay home and get your hands on your justifiably favorite person in the world: yourself.

Ugh, this again? You’ve never been big on V-Day — it looks just as cheesy and fake to you as those big ugly teddy bears in the grocery store. Some of your friends may want you to join in the celebration, but there’s nothing stopping you from bringing irony as your date. Do something goofy, call it goofy and have a good time. If the horny atmosphere starts getting to you, roll with it. Get nasty with someone, even if it’s yourself.

You’re not a sap, but you’ve never been above going the extra mile for a Valentine. Or maybe you’ve always wanted to splurge on a date but haven’t had the chance. This year, don’t be afraid to reach out — it doesn’t have to be romantic, just find someone you like to be around and do something together. It always feels good to be connected …

It also feels good to touch yourself.

You can’t deny that the idea of Valentine’s Day (if not the reality) makes you a bit wistful. So don’t deny it. Take a moment this Friday to think about what’s gone wrong and right with your love life. Breathe. Let go. Realize that there’s still a lot of life ahead of you, and that even during the bad times, there’s something exhilarating about having your heart open. Also, masturbate, you hopeless romantic, you.

 

How to Approach Your Partner About an STI Check-Up Date This Valentine’s Day:

For each statement below, use this 0-4 scale to mark how well each statement applies to you. Then, count up your total and check the boxes below for your answer.

[0] Out of the Question  [1] Seriously Doubt It  [2] Ehhh…  [3] I Could Make it Happen  [4] Came on the Warning Label

1) I can easily persuade my partner to get in the mood with my partial nudity.

2) Bringing home a new box of ultra-ribbed condoms would make my partner immediately horny.

3) Sensual massage: an instant panty-dropper.

4) If I brought home a new vibrator, my partner would make a quick dash for the KY Jelly.

5) Talking dirty means instant wet-works, and we’re not talkin’ tears.

6) My partner and I could enjoy a casual evening staying in with popcorn and a side of “romantic-comedies” porn.

7) Our sexual responsibility is as important to my partner as the saying “ladies first” in bed is.

 

0-9

10-17

18-24

25-28

Your partner is not up for any surprises. Your chances at romance tonight are resting on your ability to play Valentine’s Day by the books. You know getting tested is important and so does your partner, so mention it before the holiday and you can each agree to type it in on the itinerary right after “long walk on the beach” and just before “dinner I’m putting on my credit card.”

Your Valentine can be slow to warm up, but appreciates a good laugh to ease the tension. It’s a good idea to lead your partner into a matter-of-fact conversation about the importance of being sexually responsible, and then end it with a nice, traditional Hallmark card, tossing in a casual “P.S. Let’s make sure our baby-makers stay as sweet and sexy as you are — let’s go get tested today.”

Your partner hasn’t ever struck you as the shy type, so you know there’s room to shake things up this year. She or he would appreciate a few typical Valentine’s festivities, so include these things among your plans to drive to the nearest testing location and tell your partner you’ve “kind of” made plans to have a threesome with the hottest physician in the STI clinic.

The crazier the better. Your partner appreciates your creativity and gets off on a good surprise. Catch them off guard this year with a scavenger hunt that ends at the health clinic with this sort of a poem: “Your handcuffs are red, my KY is blue, let’s get our junk checked out today, because I care about you.” Let’s hope the surprises end there this Valentine’s Day.

 

The Sexperts are watching. Make them proud. And visit http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/ for more of their sexpertise.

A version of this article appeared in the Thursday, February 13, 2014 print edition of the Daily Nexus.
Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are primarily submitted by students.
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