Halloween is one of the most exciting and sexually mysterious nights of the year. Sexually mysterious might not sound all that enticing at first, but this is a night to be and be with anybody you want. Got fantasies? You just so happen to be dressed perfectly for one hell of a role-playing night. And although having thousands of shoobies (or unwanted visitors, for those of you shoobies) is kind of incredibly shitty, it’s also a great opportunity for exploring yourself without worrying about seeing the other person in every English class you take for the rest of college … yikes.
The Halloween hookup, however, is an art. Between dressing up and dressing down, people might spend hundreds of dollars on getting the perfect costume for captivating the hearts, minds and genitals of their peers. But the fact of the matter is some people just get it wrong. No matter how attractive, interesting or smart a person you might be, there are some costumes that just won’t cut it. It doesn’t matter how great your costume is, Richard Nixon, you’re creeping everyone out and we will make you leave if you don’t leave on your own … ha #impeachment.
Miley Cyrus (present-time or Hannah Montana … she’s a 13-year-old)
Magic Mike … Magic anyone, really. Weird.
Girl Scout Troop 69
Kanye and Kim
OJ Simpson / murderers in general (convicted or otherwise)
The Hulk … too much
She-Hulk … also too much
Dick in a Box Guy, or any dick-related costume
Chancellor Yang. He’s taken. Show some respect, for God’s sake!
Pimp (with or without cane)
Sarah Palin (why is this still relevant?)
Anyone from the cast of Jersey Shore
Vagina-Hat guy / girl … Unfortunately, we did not make this up
Abercrombie Model — this applies to life, in general
Robin — don’t settle for sidekicks, hold out for the real deal
Fairies (Fairly Odd Parents characters excluded)
Victoria’s Secret Models (you don’t want to mess with hypothermia)
Walter White and Jesse Pinkman
Super Mario — no moustache rides allowed.
Harry Potter. With that big of a wand, he must be compensating for something.
Most Disney Characters (Jafar, Ursula and Scar excluded)
Minnie Mouse — she deserves distinction from the Disney mass
Luke and Leia Skywalker
Black Widow (thank you, Scarlett)
Spiderman — expert upside-down kissers are always welcome
Any of Halle Berry’s characters, ever
Storke Tower Dude / Dudette
Doctors, nurses, people with stethoscopes in general
Female Police Officer
Dexter (the one exception for serial killers)
Misty May and Kerri Walsh
Mrs. Clause, even though she has a ring on it
Liz Lemon. Tina Fey goes without saying.
Mick Jagger. Only if he’s got the authentic moves, otherwise pass.
Duck Dynasty dudes. Don’t touch the beard, though.
Adam Sandler as the Zohan (it is ze biggest)
Gloria from Modern Family
Jack Sparrow. Excuse me, Captain Jack Sparrow.
Globo Gym Dodgeballers (Fran Stella Noskovich der Vinivisckvy included)
Frank the Tank (Will Ferrell is a safe bet)
Now that you know who and what to look out for this Halloween, get out there and consensually, make your fantasies happen. This is the one time of the year where you can literally wear your fetish on your face and be applauded for it. Put it out there and if people don’t like it, they can send it right back.
A few parting thoughts for all of our bright minds out there: Dressing up like a douchebag does not mean you can act like one. Keep your hands to yourself until specifically instructed to do otherwise. As it says on all the posters around campus, there is no justification for sexual assault. Being drunk or high won’t get you out of a speeding ticket, so why would it get you out of rape?
Emile Nelson is terrified of gigantic babies.