As a man once said, “Yeah, it’s fun.” I enjoy public sex for the same reasons I enjoy scary movies — the thrill of it. There’s a damn good chance someone is going to see your ass bobbing up and down in the lewdest of ways. You’re at your most vulnerable, naked and writhing, and the possibility that you could be reprimanded is high. The adrenaline is intoxicating. Not only that, but I adore the spontaneity of it: your partner can’t wait to get home to mash your nasties together and simply must have you on the grass, right here, right now. That hunger, that deviousness, that breathless giggling — these are the most delicious aspects of public sex. However, like all adrenaline-inducing activities, it’s always good to have a game plan. So, below, I entail my recommendations for your racy romp, particularly focusing on locale, with other kernels of knowledge littered throughout.
Finding a proper place is perhaps the most important and trying aspect of sex away from home. It has to be an appropriate balance of being risky and concealed. “If you are for sure going to be caught, that’s scary. I doubt I could get it up. But with a little bit of risk, that’s fun,” said one lewd friend to another. I do not recommend the beach. Sure, it sounds romantic, but do you really want sand in your crevices? Just imagine a handful of tiny, salty rocks in your cooch. Sorry ladies, but that sand is not going to blossom into a beautiful pearl one day. That stuff will rub and chafe and cut as your partner pokes your insides. It can lead to infections, and it’s just not cute. What I think you really want from beach sex is to hear the crashing of the waves: que romantico. Below is a comprehensive list of all the places I would recommend …
The Library (Obviously):
This is on everyone’s to-do-him/her list. Let the record show that if you do it in the bathroom where you can lock the doors (ahem, Dylan), it doesn’t count, and I decree your boning null and void. Well, save for the joy of insertion, props to that. It must be an open space, wherein anyone could see your moon-pale ass. Double points if you do it while watching the sunset over your partner’s wobbling shoulder (high-fives self).
As I said, the beach is a cliché and can lead to some wicked chafing. Instead, try one of Isla Vista’s many poorly-lit parks. Maybe bring a blanket and “enjoy the cool night air.” Or, even better, the bluffs. Not only will it be private (in case the thought of being caught makes you too nervous to perform) but you can listen to the waves intermingle with your partner’s erratic breathing. Let me just add, however, that a confidant of mine recommended not to do it on the bench by Window-to-the-Sea. You think it’s a good idea, but it’s not.
Specifically, the tops of school buildings. Similar to the thrill of library sex, you can make the double-backed beast atop the halls of academia with less of a risk and more of a note of novelty. This may be the top of the Life Sciences building, the top of HSSB or any other building that you can get-it-on-top-of.
Perhaps more specific to my freshman frolickers, try behind San Miguetto, on the side facing Manzanita. Outside the stairway on that side of the building, there is a pocket blocked from external view that you can fiddle in. Just don’t all go at once. Crazy kids.
Bitches love Campus Point.
Hayley E. thinks “private” parts are overrated; get ’er done like everybody could be watching.
A version of this article appeared on page 12 of the Wednesday, May 8, 2013 print edition of the Nexus.